Chilled Monkey Brains

A Casualty of the Economy: Guitar Shop Down

2009-12-02T19:15:00.004-05:00

"Excuse me for a minute, let me play my guitar a little bit..."
Jimi Hendrix

Two months ago, I left a downtown Manhattan office late in the evening. It had been a long, stressful, creatively taxing day. My brain ached from trying to be clever for 11 hours.

The 3 Train rumbled through midtown. "You taking the express all the way uptown?" my co-worker asked. I thought for a moment. "No. I'm stopping at Times Square and going to play guitars at Manny's for a while. It'll make me feel better."

Browsing and playing rare/cool guitars serves as an antiseptic to the sore. That indescribable therapeutic quality of holding a Martin 000-15 in your hands and playing "Folsom County Prison Blues." Johnny Cash is musical Alka-Seltzer.

Up the subway steps, onto Broadway, left turn, 6 blocks north to 48th Street and hang a right. That's how you get to Manny's Music, the greatest guitar shop I have ever been in. As I walked, I was looking for the familiar green awning that marked the entrance to a musical museum with a helluva gift shop. Where is the green awning? Am I on the wrong street? Is this 47th? I walked right by the place. Not even realizing it. Turning around I saw the doors to the shop, but the green awning was gone. So was the Manny's sign. A new sign said "Sam Ash Guitars."

Something is not right. I stepped inside. It was much worse than I thought. In fact, it was a nightmare.

I was witnessing firsthand the symbolism of the bad economy. The loss of family owned businesses. Is this as serious as people losing jobs, insurance, cars and homes being foreclosed? Of course not. This is only a metaphor for what the current economic depression is costing us. A sad side note of the Bram Stoker-like horror story that is our national economy.

Little did I know that a couple months before, Manny's Music, the guitar store that both the most gifted players in the world and the hobbyist hackers had flocked to for 74 years, had been sold. The building was still there, but the guitar store I revered was all but gone. Bought by national music chain Sam Ash.

There is nothing evil about Sam Ash guitar shops. They're just selling instruments at competitive prices. Nothing wrong with that.

However, inside the former Manny's Music was a much different place. The soul had escaped. Manny's, as she once was, had given up the ghost.

The most famous and endearing feature of Manny's was the Wall(s) of Fame. All along the walls were hundreds of autographed pictures from artists that created the music you have on your iPod. (Or at least you should have.) You wouldn't believe who was up there. Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, The Beatles, Keith Richards and the rest of The Stones, Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, Buddy Holly, Nirvana, The Byrds, The Kinks, Johnny Cash, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Simon and Garfunkel, The Ramones, even Conan O'Brien. Hundreds of musicians' inked photos covered the walls.

They're gone.

Cleared away to make room for more awful clichéd guitars. Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young's autographs were removed to make room for ridiculous "Dimebag" Darrell guitars and pathetic Slipknot signature editions. It looks sad.

Less Gretsch. More Garbage.

Not only was the layout of the store different - displays were moved, counters added - it felt different. Smelled different. Like your grandparents house after they have died. You can't quite describe the difference, but it isn't the same in there. And a bit creepy.

Immediately, I was sad. Though I am a hobbyist hacker and only play for fun (though if I had a band, we would be Johnny the Kid & the Gunslingers) and for the therapeutic qualities strumming a guitar holds, going into Manny's was exciting. I felt like Augustus Gloop heading into Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Magic a lived in those walls.

The only real surviving artifact of Manny's is the smashed Danelectro 59 DC that is stored in a glass case. (A guitar that I own a modern replica of.) The Dano was the official store demo guitar. When an artist wanted to test an amp or effect, the staff plugged in the Danelectro. Legend says that Dylan, Clapton and John Lennon loved the sound so much they tried to but her and were sternly told the instrument was not for sale. Imagine telling those three you're not selling them a guitar. Now the broken-in-half Dano rests in her glass case that seems to serve as a tombstone for a once great guitar shop.

Here Lies Musical History
1935-2009
"If There's a Rock & Roll Heaven, You Know They Have a Helluva Band"
R.I.P.

There are some legendary tales from Manny's. Hendrix bought his first Stratocaster there. Then over the next few years he bought about a dozen more. Sometimes switching necks, bodies, pickups and other parts to get unique sounds. (Only 6 of Jimi's Strat's are accounted for today.) Another story is about Pete Towshend's one day order. According to the legend, Pete bought 15 Strats, 10 Telecasters, 5 Gibson Jaguars, 5 Gibson Jazzmasters, 3 Gibson SG's and 3 Gibson ES-355's.

I don't know how many of those Pete smashed into kindling. Let's guess 7. It will be fun.

Looking around, I got the eerie feeling that musical history had been hijacked.

I asked a couple of staff, including the guy I had bought my Martin LXK2 from, what had happened and they just shook their head. "I don't know what to tell you, dude."

Still, even though I was shocked and bummed at this news, I still wanted to clumsily play some guitars. I played a few, The aforementioned Martin. A couple Taylor's. A Gretsch Double Cutaway Electromatic. Then I saw a very old axe on the wall. With caution, I took her in my hands. She was beautiful. A 1938 Gibson L-5. (The exact one I played is pictured above.) Battered and beaten. Scars of the road and travel. It is a guitar that has been played by Eric Clapton, Keith Richards, Paul Simon and Django Reinhardt. Man, she sounded amazing.

There I sat, in the corner by myself, and played the blues for about an hour. I plucked Robert Johnson's "Malted Milk" on that amazing instrument. That helped a little. But it wasn't the same.

Again, this is less about guitars and more about the economy in microcosm. The mom and pop, family owned businesses are endangered species. And the privately owned guitar shops are the Black Rhino.

I have read that Eddie Vedder and others made a final pilgrimage to Manny's before she changed hands to say goodbye.

I wish I had been able to do that.

Spin the black circle...

Johnny Wright

Post Script: If you would like to learn more about Manny's Music, I highly recommend the book The Wall of Fame: New York City's Legendary Manny's Music. I have a copy in the stacks of the J-Dub Memorial Library.

YouTube Gems Volume #X

2009-11-24T15:26:00.004-05:00

"X marks the spot."
Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr.

Well, five gems mark the spot.

ALL MONKEY WESTERN! Three of the sweetest words ever uttered. This is Lonesome Stranger from 1946. Should have won the Oscar for "Best Film WIth Monkeys as the Principle Cast." They were robbed.

Elvis just killing "If I Can Dream." Chills will follow.

Ever wondered how to shrink a head? Of course you have. Grab a notebook, here's how you do it.

The New York sequence from On the Town. Sinatra cannot hid his New Jersey accent not matter how hard he tries.

The esteemed Dr. Thompson visits David Letterman in 1988.

Okay...

Cherry Picking Nostalgia

2009-11-24T15:17:00.002-05:00

"Nostalgia: It's delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek nostalgia literally means 'the pain from an old wound.' It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards. It takes us to a place where we ache to go again."
Don Draper

There are a few bucks in my pocket. I'd be willing to wager all those Benjamins... okay, fine Hamiltons, that more than a few of you suffer from one of my afflictions. That of a fascination with and love of the past. World history, dusty museums, scratchy heartfelt music, black and white films, weathered and rusty relics, Billy the Kid, Humphrey Bogart.

There is a power in the parts of culture that live on, no matter how long it has been. Mozart isn't going anywhere. Neither is Muddy Waters. In nature, species evolve because they can adapt and grow. With history, art and culture, the opposite happens. We adapt to them. The past stays the same. It is constant. That's why we love it.

This is the reason why we're mad for Mad Men. That amazing bit of television inspires so much passion because it perfectly shows a piece of the past. Like a wooly mammoth preserved in ice. Same with Happy Days in the 70's. The public longed for a "simpler time" when the jukebox turned on when you smacked it. That doesn't really happen anymore.

However, over the last few months, there has been a few news stories that have caused me to reevaluate my romanticism of the 40's, 50's and 60's. A handful of annoying sex scandals, some D-list personalities that somehow keep finding a microphone and that damn runaway Jiffy Pop balloon.

Perhaps I don't have this quite right.

How many television personalities were diddling the staff before David Letterman's mistakes? I'll bet it's a healthy percentage. Why do you think many of them became TV hosts in the first place? Legend says Milton Berle almost constantly had his oversized junk out back stage. Parading the beast around like a prized zucchini at the county fair. Uncle Miltie's wiener flashes didn't lead the evening news. Or Steve Philips, the baseball analyst at ESPN. He had to pull the old "I'm checking into sex rehab" scam to try to put his affair behind him. Let's be honest though, Phillips' story wouldn't have the legs that it did if the girl was attractive. Not chubby, homely and bonkers.

SIDENOTE TO CELEBRITIES: We have figured out the Rehab Gambit. It's in there with the Exhaustion Ruse. "I'm so exhausted and tired ... from cocaine." You lot need a new smokescreen. How about the shingles or rickets? Nobody knows what those actually are. "Yes, I broke the bonds of my marriage. For that I am sorry. But I have the gout and lupus. I'm checking into the clinic for treatment. We'll get through this together."

In the "good old days," JFK's, RFK's, MLK's, and LBJ's dalliances outside of the bonds of matrimony weren't front page news. They were hushed up no-so-much-secrets by the press that had the scuttlebutt. Nowadays you can't meander down the ol' Appalachian Trail without news crews camping in your front yard. In the days of yore you could assume a wide stance in the bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport without it becoming a homosexual hail storm. Thirty years ago that was just a sturdy position to poop.

The Flight of the Balloon Boy saga doesn't happen twenty years ago. Not only would Cronkite veto it before it got to air, there was more than 15 minutes to vet the story and calculate it was bogus. The Hypocritical Former Beauty Queen or The Meathead Former Potential Son-In-Law of a Professional Facebook Updater aren't given a platform either. "Yes, person with no qualifications or original ideas that is so stick-a-fork-in-a-toaster stupid you had to read the instructions on shampoo three times, tell Larry King what you think about the corporate bailout and the War in Afghanistan. This should be fascinating."

SIDENOTE #2: Maybe those two dopes should have their own talk show. A rundown of the day's events, hot button issues and pithy attempts at full sentences. "Brought to you by Hot Pockets, Mensa and Sadness."

The easy counter-argument here is "you don't have to watch or read about these people." Sort of. That's almost true. However, quick show of hands: how many of you own a Lady Gaga record? Okay, seven. Shame on you. Now, how many have heard of Lady Gaga? See where I'm going here? Like it or not, you can't avoid a great deal of popular culture. I couldn't pick a Chris Brown song out of a lineup, but I know he beat the fire out of that "Umbrella" girl. Unfortunately, Jon and Kate What's-Their-Name has soaked into our psyche by osmosis. Burrowed in like a botfly. You'd have to pry them out with tweezers now.

Those examples make me think maybe I am just in the right place but the wrong time. Let's get back to the way it was.

Then I thought about that a little more. There's flip side to the coin.

Along with the soda fountains and sock hops, were tolerated racial slurs and out of control sexism. Educated men/Presidents of the United States could drop an "N-Bomb" in casual conversation and no one batted an eye. "That Richard, he's just a folksy good ol' boy."

When we talk about the nostalgic America of the last 50 years, which is it? The idyllic Leave it to Beaver and Norman Rockwell images? Choosing sides for vacant lot baseball and a hot apple pie cooling on the window sill? Or when wives were second class servants and young black men were getting sprayed by Niagara-like fire hoses? Oh, I almost forgot about the viscous dogs. There were also viscous dogs.

This is why we have to carefully select what parts of the past we hang onto. Love the fedoras, suits and language in Mad Men. But abhor the rampant alcoholism and the married men boffing secretaries.

I'll keep: Music, film, literature, real journalism (Fox News wouldn't exist in the 60's, Cronkite or Eric Sevareid would expose it for what it is in two nightly segments and the channel would die on the gurney), newspapers, the cars, art deco, Elvis, white picket fences and TV jingles.

I'll leave behind: Bigotry, ignorance, wars that occur for no or cooked up reasons (oops, we haven't learned from that one yet...), the belief in Old Wives Tales, sexism, cooking with liver, Andy Warhol (I hate Andy Warhol. Absolute overrated garbage. The goon that recently paid $43 million for one of Napoleon in Rags' paintings should have to pay a $44 million penalty for bad taste), segregation and the Cuba embargo.

Sadly, many of those problems still exist. But with a flawed human species, we have to accept significant progress in those issues a win. A "moral victory," sure, but we have take what we can get.

Maybe Glenn Beck is a return to the "good old days." Of course, he's a time machine back to Joseph McCarthy, but still, back to the way it was. Communists! Be afraid! Red Scare! Boogity boogity boo! Ah, the warmth of a simpler time. Let's have us a good old fashioned Black Ballin'! Get that evil Dalton Trumbo! Just like the happy 1940's and 50's. Hula hoops, coonskin caps, The Honeymooners and writers ostracized from society for reading a Communist pamphlet. The way it used to be.

We need to select what we romanticize is if we are drafting for an NFL franchise. Be careful what you pick. A bad selection could cost you in the long run. The Blues and Chuck Berry are Peyton Manning. Opposing the Civil Rights Act and supporting Vietnam are Ryan Leaf. You can do the math from there.

Going back to Don Draper, he is nostalgia in microcosm. Half king of cool, half rotten scoundrel. Maybe that's why we love him so much.

Selah...

Pearl Jam Covers Devo

2009-11-03T22:30:00.003-05:00

It was Halloween in Philadelphia. Pearl Jam was playing one of the last shows at the Spectrum. It was an epic set-list. There needed to be some recognition of the holiday.

So, for one song, Pearl Jam dressed up as Devo, lego hats and all, and rocked the classic cut "Whip It." Ed even brought along a bullwhip as a prop to crack.

Crack it boys...

3 Chords & the Truth:Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T04:57:00.002-04:00

From The Emerald City...

For this special edition of 3 Chords & the Truth, I am joined by my rascally nephews. These lads have surprising insight on the virtues of Halloween. What they love may surprise you. Especially since they are my blood.

Also, since they are Wright's they give you all a rather cheeky sendoff. I have no idea where they learn this sort of behavior.

Happy Halloween.

Go set a bag of dog boom-boom ablaze on a cranky old guy's porch. You know, celebrate in style. And class.

Strumming a Vintage Axe

2009-09-02T20:47:00.004-04:00

On my way home tonight, I stopped by the guitar shops on 48th Street. It has been a stressful few days and browsing and playing rare guitars serves as an antiseptic to the sore. That magical therapeutic quality of holding a Martin 000-15 in your hands and playing "Folsom County Prison Blues."

There was a shocking discovery made that I am going to write a column about this weekend. A sad allegory about what the recession is costing us. That to come later on YesButNoButYes.

However, before that tale, a little about a guitar. I played a few guitars tonight. The aforementioned Martin. A couple Taylor's. A Gretsch Double Cutaway Electromatic. Then I saw a very old axe on the wall. With caution, I took her in my hands. She was beautiful. A 1938 Gibson L-5. (Pictured above.) Battered and beaten. Scars of the road and travel. It is a guitar that has been played by Eric Clapton, Keith Richards, Paul Simon and Django Reinhardt.

There I sat, in the corner by myself, and played the blues for about an hour. I played Robert Johnson's "Malted Milk" on that amazing instrument. And, for a few brief moments, the worries of life melted away.

Long live The Blues...

Vinyl In the Mail

2009-08-27T10:47:00.003-04:00

I opened the mailbox the other day to a surprise. A generic looking brown envelope. The return address was from Seattle, my beloved hometown. "10 Club." It's from Pearl Jam.

Inside was a white vinyl single for "The Fixer" (B-side is "Supersonic") from the upcoming record Backspacer. The record doesn't come out for another month.

It felt like when I was a kid and would order limited edition G.I. Joe figures with the "Flag Points" that I had collected. A little rush of excitement for a grown up toy: rock and roll on wax. Never grow up, my friends.

Spin the black circle...

Viva la vinyl...

The video is directed by Cameron Crowe. Shot at one of my childhood haunts, the Showbox in downtown Seattle.

Bob Dylan Graffiti

2009-08-22T18:29:00.004-04:00

Reason 3,711 I love New York City...

On my way to meet my buddies Mike and Brent for lunch, I was walking through the Upper West Side. On 76th Street there was a building under construction. One of those beautiful pre-war brownstones that will sell for $5 million bucks when finished. On the door of the building was a familiar figure.

A painting of one my heroes. The folk singer bard Bob Dylan. The image shows Bob from about 1966, when the incredible documentary Don't Look Back was shot. And the records "Highway 61 Revisited,""Blonde On Blonde" and "John Wesley Harding" were recorded. That was when Dylan was rarely seen without his Ray-Ban Wayfarers. He would pose for shots like this one.

Nothing like a little of Bob Dylan's presence to make a Manhattan Saturday better.

Baby, It's Freaking Hot As Hades Outside

2009-08-18T19:43:00.006-04:00

Man, it has been hot this past summer in New York City. Beyond hot. The kind of hot where Bugs Bunny would be crawling through the desert, hallucinate and see a lush tropical oasis in the distance. Bugs would sprint toward the mirage and jump into the non-existent pool of water only to snap out of his heat-induced delusion and realize he’s drinking sand.

Scientists – or witch doctors and astrologists depending on your viewpoint – are telling us that the rise in temperature and all-around freaky weather is a result of global warming. That is why the icebergs are melting like the ocean is hot chocolate. Muskoxen are bartering with Eskimos for air conditioners. Polar bears are having difficulty finding areas to hunt. Sharks have begun sweating in the Atlantic Ocean. Even the cute little penguins are dancing less than they do on television. I’m not a scientist, but I heard that is true.

My point it has been bloody hot this summer.

There are people like myself that run hot. There isn't anything I can do about it. I'm a human heat pump. "Johnny! Dude, were you doing step-aerobics in the sauna?!? You're dripping." "Uh, no, I brushed my teeth 20 minutes ago."

I dread the summer. One uncomfortable overheated day after another.

The picture above was taken this morning during a meeting at Comedy Central. I had just walked 9 blocks from the train and was nearing a stroke. My boy Adam put that pic on his Twitter with the caption "When it gets above 50 degrees, Johnny sweats like R Kelly at a Girl Scout camp." That's not bad. Cheeky monkey.

Okay, I need a Gatorade...

YouTube Gems Volume #9, #9, #9

2009-07-19T18:46:00.007-04:00

A couple vids that entertained me last week.

Daniel Johnston is a fascinating musician. If not for the mental illness that has plagued him all his adult life, he may have been regarded as one of the great singer-songwriters of his era. Perhaps along the lines of Brian Wilson or Tom Waits. Here a disturbed Daniel sings/wails his song "Don't Play Cards With Satan." There has been times where Daniel's music has moved me to tears.

I put this on YesButNoButYes as Monkeyana Jones and the Temple of Hilarity. It's just gobsmackingly hysterical.

Audio of Ernest Hemingway is hard to come by. There isn't very much of it. However, Papa's brief and poignant speech as he accepted the Nobel Prize in 1954 makes up for the lack of material. Powerful words from my hero.

When Andy Kaufman appeared on The Dating Game, how many people knew he was doing a character? The character that would become Latka on Taxi. "What do you want for Christmas?" "Food." Amazing.

I'm not sure what it is about this song that makes me so happy. Perhaps it's the memories of Saturday mornings tucked in sleeping bags eating cereal while we watched cartoons. School House Rock is an institution. Bringing this full circle, Daniel Johnston covered this song ("Unpack Your Adjectives") on the record Schoolhouse Rock! Rocks.

Good night and good luck.

A Goodbye to Walter Cronkite

2009-07-17T21:48:00.000-04:00

My first job out of college here in Manhattan was a CBS Page. After bouncing around various shows for a few weeks and a little maneuvering, I was put into the CBS newsroom. There I assisted where I could and watched Dan Rather and Bob Schieffer put together the nightly newscast.

On the one year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was in the newsroom. It was a marathon day. 20 hours. People were running ragged, chugging coffee, barely holding it together. Late in the afternoon, the bustling newsroom got quiet. In succession, one by one, people stopped working. Then they stood up. Walter Cronkite had walked into the room. Slowly. Cronkite waved his hand and smiled warmly. Then disappeared into the hallway. Why did everyone stand? Why did we all pause on the busiest news day of the year?

Out of respect. Respect for the greatest newsman there ever was. That's the way it is, friends.

Walter Cronkite passed away today at the age of 92.

While his most famous broadcast is probably announcing the death of President Kennedy, it's Cronkite bringing America sights and sounds of the moon landing in 1969 that is his most endearing moment.

Goodnight Uncle Walter. Sleep warm. And thank you...

Frenzied Waters Tells Me I Was Eaten By a Shark

2009-07-09T18:26:00.000-04:00

Friends, there are some strange events happening here in Gotham. Apparently I am dead. Eaten by a great white shark.

That is according to frenziedwaters.com.

Here's what happened:

I am dead...

YouTube Gems Volume 8

2009-06-19T11:58:00.003-04:00

On a slow Friday, it's time for a few videos I have enjoyed recently on the YouTube. A little peek into pop culture history.

The first time the great detective Sherlock Holmes was featured on the silver screen was in 1900. A silent short called Sherlock Holmes Baffled.(The copyright on the film is 1903, but it was shot in 1900.) A taste:

Those special effects ain't bad for 1900.

I had this bit on VHS as a teen. Recorded off CBS. Steve Martin and David Letterman at their best in "Dave and Steve's Gay Vacation." It really is an homage to silent film comics like Charlie Chaplin, Harold Lloyd and Buster Keaton.

Pearl Jam covered Elvis' "Little Sister" live in Vegas. Incredible.

Some vintage nature photography. An epic battle. Tiger versus crocodile.

In 1956 the mystery guest on What's My Line was none other than the great Walt Disney. Jerry Lewis is here as well. I often feel that I am in the right place, just the wrong time.

Have a solid weekend...

JW

Adam & Johnny Go To Vampire Party

2009-05-29T21:30:00.003-04:00

Last night my buddy Adam and I hopped a downtown train and attended Gawker Media's shindig promoting the HBO show True Blood. Joining other media elite and entertainment dignitaries. We think this means that Adam and I are now going to be featured on the Gawker Stalker. "Johnny Wright is going back to Gray's Papaya hot dogs. He had breakfast there this morning. What a jerk."

You'll see in the picture that we both have a shoulder bag on. This is beacuse we were unsure just how many vampires would be in attendance. Thus, we needed to pack along vampire hunter kits. I had the crucifix's and wooden mallet, Adam had the garlic and holy water. Thankfully, we only had to dispatch of three vampires. Slow night.

You can read more about the party here.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to head out to a regatta gala. Where's my boat shoes?

3 Chords & the Truth Podcast

2009-05-18T16:41:00.003-04:00

For the last few weeks, my buddy Adam and I have been doing video podcasts called 3 Chords & the Truth. The title is a phrase that I used over the years. Bono said it in U2's live version of "All Along the Watchtower." It's an old blues expression. Sometimes 3 chords and passion is all your need.

If you would like to see me and Adam rant and rave about complete nonsense, you can go to our YouTube page.

I'll put a sample down below. Where I express my disgust that a movie star can't have a good old fashioned barroom scrap with the fuzz and publicists getting involved.

More 3 Chords & the Truth to come...

Midget Michael Jackson Impersonator

2009-05-16T20:19:00.002-04:00

Whenever someone asks me why I love Manhattan as much as I do, I may begin telling this story.

Out and about on a sunny Saturday, I passed through the Times Square station to change trains. I heard something in the distance. A familiar refrain. Is that "Smooth Criminal?" Damn right it was. There was also cheering. Better investigate.

Coming around the corner in the dank subway station I froze in my tracks. Is that what I think it is? By Odin's beard ... It is. That's a midget Michael Jackson impersonator shaking his tail feather. The crowd was loving it. Little MJ grabbed his little ballsack and everything.

The song ended and then I heard something that made this even more surreal. A local mother wanted to capture the moment in pictures. She directed her son to approach the performer. The child's name was amazing. "Messiah! Go stand next to midget Michael Jackson so I can get a picture!"

That's a sentence I never thought I'd hear.

Good luck topping that weekend sight, Planet Earth.

Freaking love New York...

The Notebook and the Handwriting

2009-05-16T15:38:00.017-04:00

For years I have lugged around a Mead Composition Notebook with me. It's an obsessive habit. The notes for columns and articles go in them. As do the rough drafts of letters. (Yes, sometimes letters get a rough draft when you are ridiculous.) Part of this habit is inspired by Eddie Vedder, who uses the same tool to write songs and set lists in. My Notebook is often covered with stickers and Sharpied phrases and quotes.

The Notebook travels with me. (I know I'm capitalizing it. The Notebook is my good friend.) You never know when a good A-Rod joke could pop into your brain. You need to jot that puppy down.

Which leads us to this short anecdote. I was on the subway this morning. Pretty early for a Saturday. I was seated near the door, scribbling some notes about an upcoming YesButNoButYes column. A Chinese gentleman was standing next to me, looking over my shoulder. Sensing his presence, as one does when someone is reading over your shoulder, I looked up. The chap cocked his head to the side and asked "You're trying to write Arabic?"

For crying out loud ... "Uh, no, that's English."

"Oh," he said.

Should have lied. "Yep, that's Arabic. No big deal."

My handwriting is notoriously bad. It's a strange twisting beast that is usually only legible to myself. If I slow down and concentrate it's not that bad. However the only time I do that is if I am writing a letter to my Mum or to the female object of my affection. The fairer sex has always received letters from yours truly. Always will. I feel it's a lost art; the good love letter. Those, for the most part are legible. Every so often I have been asked "Uh, sweetheart, is this word 'adorable?'" "Oh, that's actually 'trousers.'"

So shut up Jackie Chan reading over my shoulder on the subway. I'm the only one reading this. So what if one needs the forces of divination to decipher my President Obama joke.

You can see the Notebook in a recent 3 Chords & the Truth podcast:

YouTube Gems Volume 7

2009-05-11T14:35:00.005-04:00

I haven't put anything up here in a while because I have been busy with other writing. So, why not a few YouTube vids that have caught my attention recently.

In 1955 Gene Kelly starred in a film called It's Always Fair Weather. Certainly not a box office hit or as famous as his other song and dance hootenannies, but the show has on of the most incredible sequences you'll ever see. Gene Kelly tap-dancing on freaking roller skates.

Spanish surrealist painter Salvador Dali was a bit nuts. The word eccentric doesn't begin to cover his antics. But he was amazing. Check out his work. Not the melting clock nonsense or the Lobster Telephone, try Swans Reflecting Elephants or The Face of War. Brilliant. Here Dali was a guest on the classic TV show What's My Line.

Ricky Jay is a master magician. He is also a talented writer and knowledgeable show bidness historian. I'm a fan of his books as they cover the history of the odd and bizarre. In the stacks of the J-Dub Memorial Library you'll find Jay's Journal of Anomalies, Dice: Deception, Fate and Rotten Luck and Learned Pigs and Fireproof Women.His skills and patter are really entertaining.

When it comes to theatrical freaks, few can top Prince Randian. He was a chap that was just a torso. No arms or legs. He was sometimes known as The Pillow Man or The Human Caterpillar. Believe it or not, Prince Randain was married and had five children. He was quite capable. See him fire up a cigarette with just his mouth from the film Freaks.

Extra tidbit: Freaks was banned in the United Kingdom for 30 years due to "shocking content."

And finally...

Just watch John Lee Hooker work his mojo. I saw John at the Seattle-based Bumbershoot festival in 1992. I was 17 and already obsessed with the blues. Sing it John...

Good night and good luck.

Mahalo,

JW

Rock & Roll Memories

2009-03-27T18:47:00.007-04:00

In December I pre-ordered Pearl Jam's Super Deluxe Box Set of their debut album, "Ten." It wasn't going to be shipped until March. So it was to be a birthday present to myself. When you're older you can do that and it's not weird.

The package came today. Along with all the goodies -- 2 CD's, a DVD, 3 vinyl records, a book and other assorted goodies -- was the prized possession; A vinyl copy of my first rock concert and one of the seminal moments of my childhood. Pearl Jam's legendary free show, Drop in the Park in 1992. I was there.

As I opened the package and saw the record, I couldn't believe what I saw. There is Ed swinging over the crowd from his microphone cord. A story that I have told countless times to anyone that will listen and am thrilled I now have visual proof of the story's validity. And in the middle of the photo, adjacent to Ed's ankle, there I am, looking on in awe. Right where my finger is. That's me, wearing a Who t-shirt.

That day in Magnusson Park was a momentous occasion for a 17-year-old obsessed with music. I remember the entire day in great detail. Detail that was confirmed as I poured over the accompanying photos in the box set. Right down to what the band was wearing, I remembered.

The magic that spilled from the speakers that day still exists. I'm quite proud that I can still get that feeling from music. It's the same feeling I had as a teenager. It's more rare than it was, but it's a carbon copy. The hairs on my neck stand at attention, my head bobs instinctually and I lose myself in a musical moment.

Truthfully, I'd rather be dead than not feel it ever again.

"Hey hey, my my, rock and roll will never die,"

JW

MTV's coverage of Drop in the Park

A Sour Ball B-Day Package

2009-03-26T13:47:00.003-04:00

A berfday package from my brothers arrived in the post today. Freaking awesome.

There was an iTunes gift card (that's good, I need some more Blind Lemon Jefferson and Big Bill Broonzy), a DVD of In the Shadow of the Moon, a documentary I've really wanted to see, and one more item. The most important of them all.

Goofy's Sour Balls candy from Disneyland. One of the great candies in the world. An underrated and rare candy.

They can only be found in the Disney theme parks. The family was there a couple weeks ago. They had the foresight to lug a "family sized" bag of Sour Balls back for my birthday. That's how easy it is to please me. Appease the childlike sweet-tooth and I'm happy as Larry.

Candy. It's as simple as that.

Oh yeah, the Sour Balls? They're already half gone...

Birthday with a Movie Star

2009-03-23T11:18:00.008-04:00

I got a call from my buddy Jon Heder last week. He's here in New York doing reshoots for a film called When In Rome. We've been able to hang out a few times. They have been good times.

When I asked Jon where he was staying he paused. "You're going to laugh. I'm at the Trump Tower." Wow. When I headed to the Trump, it was just as you'd expect. Gaudy as the day is long. Pink and gold. The trash can in the loo is gold. The joint looks like Melanie Griffith threw up.

As we were leaving the hotel, and joking about how ridiculous it is that he was staying there, (and on the top floor) the Kardashian sisters passed us in the lobby. Incredibly funny.

For my fourth annual 30th birthday, Jon took me to dinner. He found a perfect joint to go to. A steak house called Quality Meats. It was spot on. Not some annoying place called Exhale or Smoke or Prey. You get what's advertised. Quality meats.

While there, I found that I have some new restaurant goals. Jon had been to the place before. So, the manager says, "Welcome back, sir." After we ordered the server brought over a tray of fine meats and cheeses. "Compliments of the chef, sir." That's two things I want to hear at a restaurant. "Welcome back" and "compliments of the chef."

The steak we both had was a "still on the bone" cut. Coming out of the delicious monster was seven inches on bone. It looked like it could have toppled Fred Flintsone's car. Then the waiter made steak sauce from scratch right there at the table. Quite impressive.

Best steak I ever had.

Returning to Manhattan

2009-03-16T18:41:00.008-04:00

I have come home to New York City. A land where life makes sense.

As I have been out and about the first few days home, I have seen some amazing sights. The kind of oddities that make me love this city like I love the blues.

-On the 3 train was an African American man in his 40's, reading a sports article in Look Magazine from the ... 1940's. I saw an ad for Lucky Strike cigarettes. Where did he buy it?

-As I got off the train at 72nd street to go to Gray's Papaya for a hot dog breakfast -- seriously -- a Mexican mariachi band got off with me. They had been strumming away for 3 stops. I gave them a buck. Anyhoo, as they got off the train, standing on the platform, was an identical Mexican mariachi band. A mirror image. Accordion guy, short guy, fat guy, big nose guy, all with mustaches, all with dinner plate-sized belt buckles and ostrich boots, the exact same band. The two groups paused and stared at each other, both frozen with a strange fascination. I was transfixed. Would they start an accordion battle? Breakdance style. I was hoping so. Alas, nothing happened. No battle. They just nodded to one another and moved on.

-On 59th street, there was a midget whose head and face looked exactly like Jaws from the James Bond series. It was uncanny.

-While I was walking through Central Park, down Literary Walk and right next to the statue of Scottish hero Robert Burns, was a gentleman with "T-Rex arms." That is, the chap's hands were placed at the elbow. I remained perfectly still, testing if his visual acuity was based on movement. I think he still saw me.

On my way out of the Park, I walked past Strawberry Fields, next to the Dakota. There was a group of Australian tourists engaged on an impromptu John Lennon sing-along with a local busker. They were butchering "All You Need Is Love." It was great.

Moses smell the roses do I love this city.

Good night and good luck.

JW

What I Miss About Sports

2009-02-15T18:33:00.002-05:00

Maybe it's a generational tendency. Or a natural human emotion. Maybe it just means I'm getting older. Whatever the reason, and there may not be one, I often find myself reminiscing about the good old days of being a sports fan. My brothers and buddies and I have made it a sport unto itself. "Remember Kelly Tripuka? Loved that guy."

The practice isn't uncommon and certainly not limited to something as trivial as a grown men putting a leather ball into an iron hoop. (That's a Hoosiers reference, kids. You should re-watch Hoosiers.) My father speaks as fondly about cheeseburgers at Bunk's Drive In as a teenager in Bellingham Washington and Jack Kennedy as much as he waxes poetic about Muhammad Ali and Johnny Unitas.

The bear trap of the glory days continues to ensnare me, and she won't pry loose. I miss when sports were better. When they were magical.

I miss when steroids were a rare occurrence, limited to Lyle Alzado and the East German woman's swim team. Not the horrible plague that they are. I miss the innocence of the pre- Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa era in baseball when the numbers were sacred and real.

I miss when the layup-laden WNBA "highlights" did not get any airtime during Sportscenter. A finger-roll is not a highlight.

I miss when boxing was relevant. Not the beyond-broken mess that it is.

I miss when stadiums were revered cathedrals of sport, full of tradition and wonder. Not hideous monstrosities that cater to the rich and douchey who are only there for a social outing not the watch the game. (The new Yankee Stadium has a martini bar for crying in the night.)

I miss when we could watch sports on the telly without overbearing graphics that swooshed around the screen like crazed bats, were literally on fire and there was no dancing robots. I don't need dancing robots.

Speaking of dancing...

I miss when more stadiums had pipe organs than out-of-work-porn-star, sluttified "dance teams."

I miss when NBA players smoked opposing defenders, not the chronic.

I miss Converse Weapons, Walter Payton, Johnny Most and Chick Hearn, when families could go to the ballpark for less than the cost of a Volvo, "Marvelous" Marvin Hagler and Tommy "The Hitman" Hearns, Steve Largent, the "NBA on NBA" theme song, Tom Landry's hat, when no uniforms had the color teal in them, Bobby Hurley, Bo Jackson, The Boston Garden, Ozzie Smith, Ronnie Lott, ABC's "Wide World of Sports," Joe Dumars, Chris Mullin, Pat Summerall doing games with John Madden, when there wasn't much mention of the police blotter in the sports section and Steve Young.

I miss when I cared so much that when the Seahawks would lose, I would cry.

I miss when college bowls not only mattered and weren't determined in part by computers, but had cool names like the Gator Bowl, Freedom Bowl and Holiday Bowl, not the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl.

I miss when an athlete knew when to hang up the cleats and ride off into the sunset with dignity not embarrass themselves when they were way past their prime. Yep, looking at you MJ. And good riddance Brett Favre, please go away now.

Speaking of Michael Jordan...

When he was in his prime, I miss the excitement and lethal competiveness of #23, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. We'll never see the NBA as good as it was in the 80's and early 90's. Never.

I miss when winning mattered above all.

Do you remember that? When it was still a game?

Yeah, I miss that.

Why the New York Post Cracks Me Up

2009-02-10T19:52:00.005-05:00

As the sports world and morality police continue to hammer A-Rod's admitted steroid use, the New York Post brought it to the next level. Nobody in New York will defend Alex. The city has never embraced him. Now, never will.

That is amazing.

A-Rod To Get His Comeuppance

2009-02-08T09:48:00.001-05:00

From The Sports Desk...

Attention Alex Rodriguez! You all around phony and fiend! The bell tolls for thee!

In one of the least shocking and most satisfying sports stories in quite some time, Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids and testosterone in 2003. A year that he won the AL MVP.

Pay-Rod's response, you may be wondering? "You'll have to talk to the union. I'm not saying anything." Not exactly a passionate, Clemens-like denial.

Joining Sammy "I Forgot How To Speak English" Sosa, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, finger pointing Raphael Palmeiro and Barry "Holy Crap This Stuff Makes Your Head Huge" Bonds, A-Rods has pissed away his reputation, legacy and hall of fame numbers in a matter of hours.

Justice, kids. Sweet justice.

Alex wants nothing more than to be loved and revered like Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods. However, his thinly veiled act has always been sniffed out by the astute observer. We weren't buyin' it.

Someone tell the fat lady she's on in five.

To 2009 ... and Beyond!

2008-12-22T21:23:00.005-05:00

I will be returning to writing for YesButNoButYes -- and by extension on Chilled Monkey Brains -- in February. There is a bit about my return here.

Happy Christmas.

Johnny

Hiatus

2008-10-14T22:26:00.003-04:00

I will not be posting or blogging for a while. I am stepping away to take care of some family problems and will not have time or access to write.

If you would like to read my fake reason for a sabbatical, a ridiculous screed about a "secret mission," click here.

Thanks for being able to read.

Goodnight and good luck.

JCW

An Actual Barrel of Monkeys -- Sort Of

2008-10-07T14:36:00.003-04:00

Well, it's really a wheelbarrow of apes, but close enough.

My head is reeling trying to think just what is the purpose for the transportation of orangutans in a wheelbarrow. It's all I'm going to be thinking about until the debate tonight.

Monkeys in a wheelbarrow. Amazing.

Reading, Writing & ‘Rithmetic

2008-10-06T14:00:00.011-04:00

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.”
Abraham Lincoln

Another presidential debate will be on your idiot box tomorrow night. Expect Barrack Obama to more aggressive and John McCain to continue his travelogue. “I’ve been to Narnia and Rivendell, Senator Obama. I met with Elrond personally and he supports my foreign policy platform. … And you don’t get it.”

Of course their will be droning punches and counterpunches about our sickly economy and how we need Doc Brown to invent a Mr. Fusion so our time machines can run on banana peels and beer cans. While you’re at it, scientists, we could also use a flux capacitor. And some Willy Wonka style Lickable Wallpaper and Three-Course Dinner Chewing Gum. Get to work.

One hopes that Tom Brokaw will steer the debate to, you know, an actual debate and not a canned stump speech like we saw in the Biden vs. Palin Bore on the Shore. (I don’t think the debate was on a shore, but it rhymed. They can’t all be winners.)

There will one topic, one hugely important topic, that I fear will continue to be ignored. An issue that has been swept under the partisan carpet.

That of education.

Why aren’t we talking about education? Why aren’t the candidates putting the issue in the forefront? How is it not a huge hot button, talking-point-laden subject?

Our schools are falling apart. Teachers are woefully underpaid. American test scores continue to plummet. In 2006, the Program for International Student Assessment reported that American 15-year-olds ranked 17th out of 30 industrialized countries that participated when it comes to science test scores. In math? We sat at 24th place. We are the Detroit Lions of world education. The U.S. is the third largest country in the world. You don’t need to rank higher than 17th to figure out that is troubling. A complicated algorithm isn’t necessary.

Ask a young person who the vice president of the U.S. is. I’ll wager most won’t know. Ask them when World War II happened. Or who John Kennedy was. Or what the last book they read was titled. You can get angry all you want when people say America is getting dumber. But common sense and test scores make it an irrefutable fact.

Why aren’t the two presidential candidates addressing this? Why aren’t they pounding the pulpit with promises of education reform? Stumping away in town meetings and rallies on how they will fix our fledgling education system.

If a teacher did not have a starting salary in the mid 20’s, but in the mid 40’s, imagine the caliber of people that would become educators. Teachers should be making six figure salaries. There should be overwhelming competition for teaching spots in public schools across the country. The noble men and woman who are already sacrificing for your children should be justly rewarded.

A public school teacher should not have to take a part-time job teaching night classes to make sure his four boys have new basketball shoes and can go to regional track meets. That is what my father did for his sons. I never heard him complain. He has diligently served his community and taught mathematics for longer than he would like me to say. He is a hero. Why did he have to work two jobs to make ends meet?

To fix this? Make gambling legal.

Serious as a heart attack. Make gambling legal. Gaming is already a (roughly) $500 billion dollar industry. There are casinos on Indian reservations and lotteries in nearly every corner of the country. Very few don’t live within driving distance of somewhere you can walk into the climate controlled confines of a casino and play Pai Gow poker. People are going to gamble no matter what. Why not legalize it, regulate it, and tax the holy hell out of it? Funnel that money to public schools and overhaul the whole shebang.

That eliminates the illegal bookies that are raking in dough hand over fist from the national obsession with sporting events. A licensed “Sports Book” would be a cash cow for statewide education. Hell, you could charge a cover fee just to get into the joint.

Don’t give me the rubbish about how gambling is addictive and is detrimental to society when cigarettes, alcohol and coffee are allowed to roam free. We permit far more addictive vices than blackjack.

Allowing gambling, which Americans are going to do anyway, to be a source of income for the school system could bring in millions. Millions.

I would like to hear less about what we are doing to police the rest of the world and more about the problems at home.

There may be no more important issue than the education of the future of this country.

Speak up Mr. Obama. Speak up Mr. McCain. Tell us what you are going to do to stem the tide of stupidity in America.

Please.

Selah.

Bear Just Wants a Sandwich

2008-10-02T12:45:00.004-04:00

So Humphrey the Bear has a hankerin' for a Cold Cut Combo. It had been a long day. Humphrey went into his local Subway sandwich shop.

The sandwich artist abandoned her post and refused to serve Humphrey. Bigotry to bears if you ask me. How dare she not serve the bear because of the color of his fur and the reputation of other bears. Just because a few bad apples have boosted picnic baskets and mauled documentary filmmakers, that should not impugn an entire species.

Angry and insulted and still hungry, Humphrey went across the street to Quizno's and got the Steakhouse Beef Dip.

Shame on you Subway employee. Shame on you.

New Goofy Short

2008-10-02T11:20:00.004-04:00

When my brothers and I were kids, we would often rent videos to watch Sunday nights. This is long before the days when you could buy a beloved film for $9.99. You didn't own videos. That being the case, we rented a handful of favorites over and over and over again.

One of our go-to vids was a collection of vintage Disney shorts entitled Sport Goofy. All the Goofy shorts where the lovable doofus botched up any number of sports. Football, baseball, basketball, tennis, skiing and so forth.

I still love those Disney shorts.

You can imagine how excited I was when I read that Disney was actually not pandering to the dumb "tweens" and trumpeting a comeback of the hand-drawn short.

The first of which is a Goofy misadventure called Goofy in How to Hook Up Your Home Theater.

This Week's Nature Scoreboard

2008-09-29T14:02:00.003-04:00

From the Nature/Sports Desk...

Nature/Sports correspondent Sedro Woolley phoned in to give us a quick rundown this past week's wildlife scoreboard and highlights.

All scores final.

Lions: 171 - Zebras: 0

Lions: 201 - Water Buffaloes: 1
A Namibian water buffalo scored a lucky horn to the abdomen of a lioness for their only point this week.

Mongooses: 3 - Cobras: 3
Some tight, bitterly fought matches resulted in a draw.

Mountain Lions: 1 - Hikers: 0

Dragons: 4 - Centaurs: Nil

Great White Sharks: 742 - Seals: 0
From the opening kick, the seals really never got the offense moving. In nature's version of the Harlem Globetrotters versus the Washington Generals, the seals overall record now stands at 0 and 91 million.

Cock-Fighting Roosters: 27 - Cock-Fighting Roosters: 28
Close match from Guadalajara Mexico.

Nile Crocodiles: 73 - Wildebeests: ½

11-Year-Old Boys With Slingshots: 2 - Robins: 0

Chupacabras: 11 - Goats: 0

Pet Pythons: 4,971 - White Mice: 1
A ball python named Jack Sparrow from Hot Coffee Mississippi choked and lost.

Hawks: 1,227 - Rodents/Snakes: Nil
Not even a combined rodent and snake squad could stop this desert blowout.

Humans: 702,478 - Delicious Cows: 3
Delicious cows got on the board after a brief stampede in Green River Wyoming. Memorial services for local cowhands Henry "Hank" Harrison, Luther Pearce and Samuel "Chainsaw" Bernstein will be held at the Green River First Episcopalian Church of Our Lord. Light refreshments will be served.

Political Analysis From The South

2008-09-28T22:06:00.005-04:00

With Tim Russert sadly passing away this past summer, these Rhodes Scholars from Kentucky have become serious contenders to take over the Meet the Press desk.

Their insight into the upcoming Presidential election is pithy, sharp and to the point. I have no idea why people make fun of the South...

It's the final declaration of "these colors don't run!" that made this art. Quite a capper.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it George Stephanopoulos!

Saying Goodbye To Paul Newman

2008-09-27T13:07:00.004-04:00

Though we knew he has been sick for quite some, time, it was still sad to dial up the interwebs this morning to see that screen legend Paul Newman passed away last night. It's a bummer of a story. He was 81-years-old.

Newman starred in two of my favorite films; Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and The Sting. I've watched them countless times. I'll watch them many more times in the future.

Newman was admirable for a few reasons. He was one of the most natural and skilled actors in the history of the talkies. In an environment where relationships are often as phony as the backlot sets they work on, Newman had a 50 year love affair and marriage to Joanne Woodward. That is an admirable achievement. Perhaps most important, Newman used his wealth and celebrity to raise over $200 million dollars for charity. Newman's Own has been making salad dressing, salsa, popcorn and other products since 1982. Newman runs the Hole In the Wall Gang, a summer camp and community center for seriously ill children. He has also donated hundreds of thousands to war refugees and college scholarships.

Off the screen, away from the cameras, Paul Newman was a hero and a gentleman.

I will miss him.

A little tribute...

The card game from The Sting.

The fight, my favorite scene, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Paul strummin' the old banjo and singing "Plastic Jesus" from Cool Hand Luke.

R.I.P. Mr. Newman.

Rent-A-Fan: Cubs Loyalists, For One Month I Am With You

2008-09-26T14:00:00.011-04:00

From The Sports Desk…

“Don’t let anyone say that it’s just a game.”
Eddie Vedder

Since my pathetic Seattle Mariners have been out of contention since about the third week of the 2008 season (they may have negative wins at this point, I stopped reading about them in June.) I have not paid as close attention to baseball as I usually do this summer.

The M’s have a bloated, underachieving roster that is peppered with bums who hit well before the Mitchell Report. When “The Juice” stopped flowing, so did dingers and RBI’s.

But come on, it’s the baseball playoffs, of course I’m going to watch. Jack Bauer doesn’t return until November and the Seahawks are only on once a week, what the hell else am I gonna do?

So. I have made a decision. A borderline fan violation. For the 2008 MLB Playoffs, I am kind-of-pulling for the Chicago Cubs. That’s right Windy City residents! For the month of October I am sort-of-hoping you will win the World Series!

Notice I said “pulling” for them. Not rooting for the Cubbies. That is a self-created loophole to help me justify this. The fact they are in the National League was the only way I could pull the trigger on this momentous decision. The AL? I hope they all get syphilis.

I have no real ties to Chicago. Never stepped foot out of O’Hare. Had a layover once. However, I admire your city a great deal. The working class mentality. Great architecture. Chicago blues. Stories of Al Capone and Elliot Ness. I still miss Sweet Lou Piniella chucking bases around the Safeco infield, he’s a great manager. There is a respect for a great sports town. Love Ernie Banks. Walter Payton was a childhood idol of mine. Still love Sweetness, bless his soul.

Wrigley Field is a marvel. I like the traditions you guys have. “Throw it back! Throw it back!” Chicago residents know how to be fans. They’re educated and loyal. Loyal to almost a fault.

The Cubs last championship? (Cubs Fans: You may want to skip this paragraph. Just scroll down. It’s okay.) That would be 1908. Stop counting on your fingers, that’s a hundred freaking years. Since then there have been collapses and curses. That damn billy goat! The Cliff Notes version of the Curse of the Billy Goat goes like this; Billy Sianis, owner of the local Billy Goat Tavern, bought two seats for Game 4 of the 1945 World Series. One for him. One for a bloody goat. Billy and the goat (see what I did there?) were admitted into Wrigley. But when the stink of the goat kicked up, complaints began to be filed and Billy and the goat were given the heave ho. Billy then somehow channeled evil spirits of Beelzebub and “cursed” the Cubbies. The Cubs lost the Series and Billy wrote to team owner Philip Wrigley from Greece, “who stinks now?” There has been a curse hanging over the stadium ever since.

(Cubs Fans: Maybe skip one more paragraph.) My personal theory is that Billy may have used the possession of a pet goat to his advantage. Perhaps the beast was used to summon the goat demon Baphomet. Entirely possible.

(Cubs Fans: Welcome back.)

Another reason I am justifying a little Cubs support is my loyalty to Chicago native Eddie Vedder. I know he wants them to win more than anything. Ed has been an outspoken fan since his youth. In fact, Ed just composed and performed a song just for Cubs fans. It’s great.

Sing it, Eddie.

A Cubs victory would be good for baseball. Good for history. Well, American history anyway. If I have to watch a World Series with the Tampa Bay verses Milwaukee I’ll lose it. No way I could watch more than two games before shutting off the telly and picking up my book. Give us Chicago/Boston. Or Chicago/Los Angeles. At least that’s interesting and watchable.

Chicago, we need to rid your great city of curses once and for all. Personally, I don’t see how blowing up the “Bartman Ball” and then serving the remains in pasta sauce didn’t work. If that was ineffective, man, what do you do? That should have guaranteed at least one ring. They blew the damn thing up and ate it. It should of worked. Science.

Admittedly, I am going to be really apathetic through all this. Really half-assin’ the whole thing. May even fast-forward through an inning or three. I won’t be pacing the floor in the bottom of the ninth or stewing after a loss. But I’m kind-of hoping this goes well for you.

Don’t sneer at my the power of my fanship, Cubbies. Don’t take it for granted. You should be excited. You are bringing aboard – on short term loan – a fan that witnessed a Supersonic championship at three years of age. Almost remember that. I was a cog in the machine that led to a Washington Husky national title in 1991. Sure, they crapped the bed for years after that, but I was there when we won.

It’s true Seattle teams were upset by the Nuggets when they had the best record in the NBA and pissed away a 116 game winning season and got blown out by Michael Jordan in an NBA Finals and lost in a recent Super Bowl, but I was integral to those near achievements.

Certainly, I can’t make things any worse.

Let’s go Cubs. I guess…

Colbert Settles the Great Roosevelt Debate Once and For All

2008-09-26T10:47:00.004-04:00

Anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of American history knows the two Roosevelt's were titans of their time. Teddy the rough ridin' model of masculinity, who hunted wild game, made the country aware of conservation and put Lincoln on the penny. (That's true.) And FDR who despite a crippling illness that confined him to wheelchair, led the nation out of the Great Depression and to victory in WWII. All the while comforting millions with his revolutionary fireside chats.

But who is the greatest Roosevelt? Stephen Colbert used a scientific approach to settle the matter. Would the question finally be settled?

Damn. The debate will rage on.

How often do people get to use the word "foppish?" Great word.

"Jetman" Soars Over English Channel

2008-09-26T10:30:00.003-04:00

After two weather delays earlier in the week, Swiss adventurer Yves "The Jetman" Rossy has flown over the English Channel powered only by jet-propelled wings.

Just moments ago, Rossy jumped out of airplane at 8,200 feet, fired up his jet-pack and flew the 22 miles from Calais France to the white cliffs of Dover. He accomplished the feat in about ten minutes.

I've watched this story for months. I honestly feel this is an incredible achievement. A feat of human ingenuity and bravery.

With the impeding financial doom we are facing later today, we need a few happy stories to serve as a distraction.

(Click on that "white cliffs of Dover" link and you'll hear one of the great songs of all time. A personal favorite that very nearly made my Desert Island Disks.)

Papa's Cats Are Okay To Stay

2008-09-26T08:51:00.003-04:00

In 1935 Papa Hemingway was given a six-toed cat named Snowball. Adorable, innit? That cat lived at Papa's Key West Spanish colonial home and estate. Snowball procreated over the years and now the kitty's progeny has grown to over 50 mostly-six-toed cats. When my Father and I visited the house when I was a teenager the six-toed beasts were everywhere.

Years later, enter the U.S. Department of Agriculture. They threatened to fine the Hemingway Museum $200 a day. Per cat. This was because the cats aren't caged. The Museum had to negotiate with the bureaucrats to stop them from removing the kitties. This was a four year legal struggle.

Once again, government agencies really know how to pick it's battles.

Uncle Sam, leave Papa's kitties alone.

When Sarah Palin Is Off the Prompter

2008-09-26T05:57:00.002-04:00

The McCain campaign has tried to keep Sarah Palin away from reporters, microphones and interviews. Here's why:

Watch CBS Videos Online

Bloody hell...

It's not as if Katie Couric is the late and missed Tim Russert. She's a lightweight. The pocket fluff of prime time news anchors. Even Katie has the way-in-over-her-head-and-chosen-to-pander-to-women vice presidential candidate flummoxed.

Once the novelty of the former beauty queen and failed sportscaster wore off and the public has seen how out of her depth she really is, the polls have corrected themselves. This is the person that should John McCain die -- which at 72-years-old and already having skin cancer numerous times is not much of a stretch -- that could be the leader of the free world. A vastly under-qualified person who needs to rely on memorized catch phrases and buzz words to get through an interview.

Sarah Palin has gone from radical running mate pick to punchline in record time.

It's going to get worse.

The Triumphant Return of Jack Bauer

2008-09-25T14:35:00.002-04:00

I'm thinking about crafting a chain calendar like kids make before Christmas. Then cut off one ring until Jack Bauer returns to my telly.

Watch the trailer:

Halloween Masks Predict Presidential Elections?

2008-09-25T12:20:00.010-04:00

Believe it or not, maybe.

Last week TIME magazine columnist Nancy Gibbs mentioned that "in the past seven elections, the candidate with the best-selling Halloween mask has won." This is a topic that has popped up the last few elections.

Seven in a row. That's quite a streak.

This tidbit makes one wonder. Was the top selling mask purchased and worn as a tribute to a respected political leader? Or ... is the mask worn in sarcastic mockery of the current or soon-to-be Commander in Chief? I would bet the latter.

Take recent Presidents for example. We have seen the go-to Bush mask accompanied with the dunce cap. Easy. Funny. There was also the hall of fame costume of Slick Willy wielding a huge plastic cigar. A classic.

We'll check who has the best selling latex mask and see if it predicted our next President.

Who would you rather be for All Hallows Eve? I asked my 5-year-old nephew Jackson what I should be for Halloween. He said, "Be a Mummy or a Vamp-Pirate." A Vamp-Pirate? "Yeah, that would be awesome. Or be a ninja. I'm going to be a ninja."

When considering either being McCain or Obama, I think the 5-year-old is right. Be a ninja instead.

I bet there are a few of you that can't stop picturing what a "Vamp-Pirate" looks like. Could be a future blockbuster franchise. "In a world where vampires and pirates have combined forces..."

"The 'Have's' have not, a clue."

(Curious who is wearing the Nixon mask at the head of the post? That would be the immortal Dr. Hunter S. Thompson.)

Kids: Don't Fart On Cops

2008-09-25T09:15:00.000-04:00

Pictured is West Virginia resident Jose Cruz. Jose had a tough week. He was driving with his headlights off and was pulled over by the 5-O. It appeared to officers that Jose was three sheets to the wind so a sobriety test was administered. Jose failed. Off to the clink.

While being fingerprinted, Jose thought it would be really funny to horse around with the officers. Little scamp that he is, Jose "lifted his leg and passed gas loudly on Ptlm. Parsons. The defendant then fanned the air with his hand in front of his rear onto the officer." Hilarious. What law enforcement officer doesn't enjoy some good old farty hijinks?

Jose admitted to the fart and told reporters he said, "Here, put that in your Breathalyzer!" Again, hilarious.

Jose posted bail and is facing misdemeanor charges.

Letterman Lambastes McCain

2008-09-25T08:56:00.001-04:00

Last night Senator John McCain was scheduled to appear on The Late Show with David Letterman. (Where I was once an employee.) At the last minute, McCain phoned up Dave and cancelled. He needed to rush back to Washington to fix the imploding economy. Uh, good luck with that.

The problem in the story? McCain actually went a few blocks north to be interviewed by lame duck anchorwoman Katie Couric.

Keith Olbermann was called out of the bullpen to fill in.

Letterman took the opportunity to fire a few shots over the bow.

Letterman in vintage form.

Desert Island Discs

2008-09-22T11:03:00.003-04:00

Desert Island Discs is a British institution. First broadcast on January 29, 1942. According to folks at Guinness – the Book of Records, not the alcoholic beverage, you lush – Desert Island Discs is the longest running music program in the history of radio.

Six United Kingdom Prime Ministers have participated. Politicians and scientists. Athletes and actors. All have given their selections of what they would bring with them to a desert island. Johnny Cash, Stephen Hawking, Stephen King, Paul McCartney, J.K. Rowling, Ricky Gervais and Yoko Ono are just a few of the hundreds that have made their selections.

I’m modifying the rules a bit. It’s my column and I’ll amend if I want to. (Try singing that last sentence. It works.)

You select 11 songs, (up from the 8 D.I.D’s allows), 7 films, (D.I.D. doesn’t have films, I felt like having them), one book besides The Bible or other religious text – The Torah, Koran, Dead Sea Scrolls, On the Origin of Species, etc., and one “luxury item.” The luxury item can be anything.

My selections:

11 Songs:

1. “Desolation Row” – Bob Dylan
2. “Death Letter” – Son House
3. “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” – The Beatles
4. “Ball and a Biscuit” – The White Stripes
5. “(White Man) in Hammersmith Palais – The Clash
6. “Over the Hills and Far Away” – Led Zeppelin
7. “When I Paint My Masterpiece” – The Band
8. “Flesh and Blood” – Johnny Cash
9. “Tom Traubert’s Blues” – Tom Waits
10. “Yellow Ledbetter” – Pearl Jam
11. “My Way” – Frank Sinatra

7 Films:

1. Raiders of the Lost Ark
2. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
3. Hoosiers
4. The Empire Strikes Back
5. The Sting
6. His Girl Friday
7. Miller’s Crossing

1 Book:

The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien.

I am cheating a little here. However, my justification is this; Professor Tolkien intended the books to be one long epic. The publishers broke the book up into three chapters. In fact, Tolkien did not approve of the decision and hated the title of the third installment being The Return of the King. Technically, it’s one book.

1 Luxury Item:

This one is hard. I considered cheese and crackers, Coca-Cola, one of my guitars, a basketball and hoop and Sportscenter. I settled on something more simple; A stack of 100 Mead Composition Notebooks and 100 Pilot Precise Grip - Bold pens. My weapon of choice.

I’d be pretty content with those selections on a desert island. Of course I’d also want a talking volleyball.

Thanks for playing our game. We have some lovely parting gifts for you. They can be claimed after the show.

Goodbye...

2008-09-22T10:11:00.001-04:00

Yogi says goodbye to an old friend. So do I.

YouTube Gems Volume #6

2008-09-21T19:01:00.005-04:00

Five video selections that caught my eye this week.

In 1973, the National Lampoon comedy troupe had the "Lemmings Roadshow." You'll see John Belushi and Chevy Chase. And a very young Christopher Guest on the cusp of comedy genius. Chris does one of the greatest musical impersonations I have ever seen. That of James Taylor and a song called "Highway Toes." He also did an amazing Dylan impersonation at the same show. Chris Guest is one of the funniest men of my lifetime.

Think you know what a leopard will do with a baby baboon? Think again.

Cab Calloway is one of my favorite performers of all time. The man was a genius. Here he does his signature tune "Minnie the Moocher."

Harry Houdini performs a rope escape in the early 1920's.

Tom Waits. 1977. "Tom Traubert's Blues."

You'll come a' waltzing Matilda with me,

JCW

Jack White's 007 Ditty

2008-09-20T16:49:00.006-04:00

Want to hear the new James Bond theme written by Jack White? Click here.

Jack wrote and produced the song. Alicia Keys also sings on the track.

There is going to be a limited edition 7 inch vinyl released on October 6th. Give you three guesses who will have one of those...

JW

Sarah Palin Approves of Witch Hunts?

2008-09-20T13:18:00.008-04:00

Reposted from YesButNoButYes...

A little political weekend weirdness for you to gnaw on...

Pastor Thomas Muthee, who Sarah Palin credited with "awesome prayers" that helped her become the Alaska Governor, once led a witch hunt in Kenya. Figuratively, you may be wondering. Nope. Unfortunately not. In 2005 Muthee led an actual, old school, Salem-style witch hunt.

Details of the story are still being pieced together, but it appears the tale goes something like this: Muthee wanted to establish a church in the town of Kiambu, just outside of Nairobi. Wanting to make an impression right away, Muthee targeted a local fortune teller named Mama Jane. It appears Mama Jane had never caused any trouble, but Muthee had "proof" of witchcraft. That proof? Three car accidents that had occurred in Mama's neighborhood. She must have caused them. That's ironclad.

It gets worse from here.

Pastor Muthee led three police officers to Mama Jane's home, burst in and arrested the "witch." During the raid, someone shot Mama's pet snake, a large python. Why? That snake was "a demon." Of course it was.

Mama was confronted by Muthee who allegedly yelled "Mama Jane either gets saved and serves the Lord or she leaves town!" It appears the witch did not comply and she was chucked into the hoosegow. After finally being released, Mama Jane feared for her life and got the hell out of Dodge.

Palin's church, the Wasilla Assembly of God, has praised Muthee because "He has established and pastors hundreds of churches in Kenya." According to reports "When Palin was beginning her campaign for Governor of Alaska, she had Muthee pray over her, asking God to make her Governor. On her June 8, 2008 speech at the Wasilla Assembly of God church, Palin suggested that she believes that Muthee’s prayer is responsible for getting her into the Governor’s seat."

Yikes.

Strangely Kenya does have a problem with witches. Maybe too many magic mirrors and enchanted broomsticks lying around.

Here's a report from earlier this year:

Make of this what you will. But in 2005, more than 300 years after witches were burned and drowned in Massachusetts, the Vice Presidential nominee is closely tied to a preacher that not only believes in witchcraft, but actively "battled" it.

They believe in witches. Folks, you can mix all the eye of newt, snake blood, bat wing and wolfsbaine you want into a pewter cauldron, it ain't gonna do anything. The ridiculous hysteria that leads people to boycott Harry Potter and burn books on courthouse steps still goes on. "You must ban Harry Potter! It's teaching kids to become witches!" Do you ban C.S. Lewis or J.R.R. Tolkien too, sir? No? Oh, right, they're professed Christians. Magic is okay then. (For the record, Lewis was an adamant atheist for many years.) Wizards and conjurers are acceptable under those conditions. The Force in Star Wars? How about a boycott there? Nah, that would just be silly.

Do your own research on this. Google "Thomas Muthee witch hunt" and see what comes up.

Here is Olbermann's take on this nonsense.

Have a good weekend.

JW

Hop On Your Pogo Stick

2008-09-20T10:32:00.005-04:00

One wonders where this cat got the idea to start busting back flips on a pogo stick. And where do you get this powerful of a pogo stick?

Personally, I think the guy, like myself, has just seen one too many Disney cartoons. Goofy was doing these kinds of tricks long ago.

That Goofy. Just hilarious.

Pogo stick video via my boy Baierman at YesButNoButYes. Cheers.

Saying Goodbye To The House That Ruth Built

2008-09-19T13:35:00.007-04:00

Above you'll see opening day at Yankee Stadium. April 18, 1923. This weekend she closes her doors for the final time. It's terrible.

I am not a Yankees fan. Not by any stretch. However, Yankee Stadium is a sports cathedral. Living history. That the Steinbrenner's are tearing her down is shameful. For a few more luxury boxes. That's what history and tradition is worth. They really are going to knock the joint down. Sickening.

Earlier in the season I made sure I took the 4 train up to the Stadium one last time. The ticket stub was carefully taped into one of the Mead Composition Notebooks I obsessively carry around with me. So I'll always have it.

Long before humans had a real understanding of how important historical buildings would be, the Romans had enough sense not to knock down The Colosseum. She was built between 70 and 80 AD and had fallen into ruin by the 16th Century. Pope Sixtus V proposed in the 1580's to knock down The Colosseum and turn the grounds into a wool factory in the hopes of getting the cities prostitutes off the street. Luckily Pope Sixtus died before that could happen. In 1749 The Colosseum was declared a sacred site by Pope Benedict XIV. And thus protected from ruin. It's a shame that the Yankee organization doesn't have similar respect for a modern day coliseum.

Yes, the feats in those arenas were quite different. However in historical context they are equal. Both stadiums showed what was, at the time, heroes of sport.

Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio? Across the street to a new ballpark with luxury boxes for Wall Street yuppies? To a stadium devoid of charm and character? Sadly, yes.

Gone will be the stomping grounds of Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle and Jeter. Gone will be that amazing smell as you walk through her gates. Gone will be baseball history. American history.

Fortunately what will survive is the memories of millions.

The Babe hits his 60th home run. Fueled by hot dogs and beer, not steroids.

The grace and power of Joltin' Joe DiMaggio.

How do you not love The Mick?

A Farewell to Babe Ruth

The immortal Lou Gehrig says goodbye.

So do we...

Animal Adventures

2008-09-19T11:45:00.005-04:00

Forbes Traveler has an interesting piece about adventure abroad. There are details about seeing parts of the globe on the backs of burros, elephants, camels and other beasts of burden. Even African Serengeti tours from horse back.

While that sounds very exciting, I've seen lions take down zebras. Zebras are basically just cool looking horses. What if you bump into a hungry pride of lions and they decide to have a go? Could be trouble. And by "trouble" I mean grisly death. On the other hand, viewing of the video footage on YouTube could rival The Battle at Kruger. That's a coin flip scenario.

There should be elephant tours through Manhattan. What better way to see the concrete jungle? Way better than those double decker buses. Someone needs to get on that.

Smartest Dog In the History of Dogs?

2008-09-19T11:07:00.001-04:00

Perhaps.

If you were the owner of this crafty little guy, you'd have to be like Ron Burgundy after Baxter pooped in the refrigerator and ate an entire wheel of cheese. You can't get mad. That's amazing.

I love how at the end the others dogs seem to be confused. "How did he do that?"

My only complaint is the video could have used a soundtrack.

90% of Icebergs are Underwater

2008-09-17T10:01:00.004-04:00

That's what scientists say. 90% of an iceberg is hidden from view under the water. In this case, I don't think that's a good thing.

A Few Gotham Anecdotes

2008-09-16T20:25:00.010-04:00

Today on the subway there was a dwarf. Not a magical one, nobody got any wishes or anything, a proper dwarf. This was during rush hour, about 7:00 pm. Everyone is crammed in there nuts to butts. I thought that has to be awful to ride the train when you are at crotch level. Not a nice view, is it? The real danger is a fellow straphanger not being aware of the little guy and breaking a little dirty wind right in your face. That's a bad commute. I looked at the dwarf and thought it would be nice if he actually had some wishes.

Also on the 1 train, this time earlier in the day, a guitar playing busker hopped on at 72nd Street. He was terrible. Really awful. His crappy guitar was way out of tune and there was an attempt to play "Time of Your Life" from Green Day. No response. Then the pitiful minstrel shifted into "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young. Even worse. It was like a musical beating with a sock full of nickels. When he mercifully stopped and held out his cap, nobody reached for their wallet. This rarely happens in Manhattan. Usually there are at least a few pity dollars. The car boycotted as a whole. Angry, the horrible performer opened the door to the next car, turned back and yelled "I hope you all die! Cheap bastards!" Never seen that approach before.

And finally...

The other night I couldn't sleep. Tossin' and turnin'. So I went for walk. This is about 3:30 or so. Middle of the night. Walking down my block I was stopped by a man. 40's, thin, white, bald. He seemed really panicked. "Can I ask you something?" "Sure," I said. He started into his tale of woe. He stepped outside to take out the garbage, the door shut behind him, and now he is locked out. It was a very detailed story. He then pulled out a piece of paper from his shoulder bag that had his address on it, "proving" he lived at the building he was locked out of. Now he asked for money "so when the locksmith opens up in a couple hours I can get back into my apartment."

My exact words: "Do I look like a tourist to you? You're kidding me, right?"

"Look I have proof I live there-" he started. I stopped him cold. "Your address is on 122nd Street. You're on 105th Street. So what happened was you went outside to take out the garbage, in the middle of the night, happened to have your shoes and shoulder bag but not your keys or your wallet, found you were locked out, then walked 17 blocks south to ask for money instead of sitting outside your building waiting for someone that lives there to go in and follow in behind them? Does this crap story actually work?" I might as well have just kicked him in the sweets. A little color drained from his face. "L-look," he said, stammering and stuttering, "do I look like I need to beg-" "No you don't. That's why you should shut up. Try a different story somewhere else." The con-man bristled and stormed off swearing at me over his shoulder. As he moved quickly further south. Away from the "apartment he is locked out of."

I love New York City like a fat kid loves cake...

Jack the Railroad Signalman Who Happened To Be a Baboon

2008-09-15T21:53:00.004-04:00

In South Africa in the late 1800's, a baboon named Jack worked as a signalman at a train yard.

I swear on the Good Book it's true. At least according to South African historians it's true.

Jack did much more than just work at the train yard. The little bugger also worked as a disabled persons assistant, ox driver, janitor, bodyguard and train yard security officer. Jack was true renaissance monkey.

Want to read the rest of the yarn? Of course you do. Click here.

More Ricky Gervais Podcasts Coming Tomorrow

2008-09-15T17:36:00.006-04:00

My brothers and I have been chattering about Season 5 of Ricky Gervais's podcasts for weeks now. Eagerly anticipating them like children pining for a new bicycle on Christmas morning.

The reason being, the podcasts are one of the few genuinely funny bits of popular culture left. Ricky and Stephen Merchant are there to keep the show moving along, but it is the phenomenon that is the shaven chimp of a moron Karl Pilkington that we want to hear. Will Karl teach us about a monkey that robbed a bank and retired to Spain? Will he prattle on about ghosts and goblins? Nearly everything he says is funny. I can't freaking wait till tomorrow.

If you have not heard the podcasts. Trust me. Go to iTunes and buy Season 1. Just do it. You will laugh. Hard. You'll laugh so hard it's possible that a little pee may come out.

Fair warning.

YouTube Gems Vol. #5: Beatles Edition

2008-09-13T12:19:00.006-04:00

Since the last couple entries both had a connection to Mother England, and being the loyal Anglophile that I am, why not make it a theme? Thus, a Beatles chapter of YouTube Gems.

Paul performing "Blackbird" at the Queens Jubilee in 2002. There was a concert called Party at the Palace. Note to self: Someday throw a party for myself and call it a "Jubilee."

"Don't Let Me Down" from the roof of the Apple Headquarters on Savile Row. The boys broke up soon after.

At the Concert for George, a tribute a year after he died, Paul, Ringo, Eric Clapton and others perform a touching version of "Something." I believe the most beautiful song the Beatles ever put on wax.

John, along with Clapton, Keith Richards and Mitch Mitchell from the Jimi Hendrix Experience move through a ripping version of "Yer Blues." The band was called The Dirty Mac.

George was known as the "quiet Beatle," but he had a wry sense of humor few people saw. He was a huge fan of Monty Python and made a guest appearance to perform "The Pirate Song."

While my guitar gently weeps,

JW

Briton Claims He Invented iPod in 1979

2008-09-12T13:06:00.004-04:00

Reposted from YesButNoButYes...

Britain's Kane Kramer claims he invented the iPod. In 1979. He has drawings.

On his website, Kramer has the original drawings and schematics for the "first MP3 player." Also on his site is a PDF of a nine page document that speaks about a centralized server where music is stored.

Now I can see that the drawing resembles the basic design of the iPod. Rectangular in shape with a display screen and a 4-way directional touch pad. However, here is my beef with Kramer's claim; I drew pictures when I was a kid of saucer-shaped aircrafts. If tomorrow the chaps at Area 51 rolled out an experimental aircraft of a similar shape, I can't claim I already invented it.

H.G. Wells wrote in detail about a Time Machine. Doesn't mean he invented one.

The great Leonardo Da Vinci had sketches of flying machines, helicopters, armored tanks, hang gliders, parachutes and submarines. That doesn't mean Da Vinci invented any of those devices.

Seems pretty thin to me...

Early Reference to Baseball Found In England

2008-09-12T03:51:00.012-04:00

For many years the myth that Civil War general Abner Doubleday invented baseball in 1835 was prevalent. It was widely accepted trivia. In fact, if you ask people of my father's generation who invented baseball, I'd wager many would still say it was Doubleday's creation, taking place at Cooperstown New York.

Writer Henry Chadwick wrote in the early 1900's that baseball's origins were English. Albert Spalding -- yep, he of the sporting goods giant -- led a charge to establish the origins of baseball were American. Spalding received information erroneously attributing the game to Doubleday. The myth grew and spread from there. Doubleday himself never claimed to invent baseball.

The truth is, baseball is a mutt. There are various bat and ball games that date back to the 14th century. American baseball borrowed and adapted components from cricket, rounders, stoolball and a Scottish game called dog and cat.

A British researcher has found a reference to "Base Ball" 50 years before the term was used in America. English lawyer William Bray wrote in 1755, "Went to Stoke Ch. This morning. After Dinner Went to Miss Jeale’s to play at Base Ball with her, the 3 Miss Whiteheads, Miss Billinghurst, Miss Molly Flutter, Mr. Chandler, Mr. Ford & H. Parsons & Jelly. Drank Tea and stayed till 8."

Yet another piece of cultural significance we stole from Britain. Like the tune to "My Country, 'Tis of Thee," Three's Company, The Office, the English language, sandwich's and irony. But we invented Coca-Cola, right? We did. Pretty sure. Yeah, Coca-Cola, take that ya bunch a' Redcoats.

Anniversary

2008-09-11T00:01:00.004-04:00

Take a moment today to remember...

The Largest Shark Ever Caught

2008-09-10T21:17:00.007-04:00

As a lad, some of my interests weren't that different from what they are now. Sports, ninjas, candy. And wildlife.

In the library at Adelaide Elementary School, there was a few books that I was obsessed with. I knew exactly where they were in the stacks. There was huge book with color drawings of dinosaurs that I checked out quite often. One on monkeys that I would hide so I knew where it was. And a tome about sharks.

There was one picture that especially fascinated me. That of the "Largest Shark Ever Caught." (Pictured above.) I came across the photo, the exact one that amazed me as a kid, the other day by accident and a flood of memories returned. I haven't seen the photo in years. In the 40's, that shark was caught off the coast of Cuba. The giant measured 21 feet long and weighed over 7,000 pounds. I would stare at the photo, imagining the adventure the men must have had to catch the beast.

Now, the confession that has been long overdue. After a few years of fascination with the picture in the shark book, I stole it. It's true. It was the perfect crime. The library was bustling with youngsters, plenty of ambient noise. Then I snuck to a distant corner, away from the cranky librarians. The book was propped open to the appropriate page. Then, the genius part of my plan; a fake sneeze as I tore the page out. It was brilliant. The shark picture was slyly slipped into a Pee Chee folder and that was that. The shark book went back onto the shelf and nobody got wise to the theft. It was a diabolical caper. I was a criminal mastermind. Similar to the guy that boosted the Mona Lisa from The Louvre in 1911.

The picture was later trimmed and proudly posted on the bulletin board in my bedroom. So, if you are a retired librarian and have wondered all these years what happened to that shark book, you can rest easy. I did it. I'm sorry. But the statute of limitations on the crime has expired.

What memories a random picture stumbled upon on the internet can inspire...

For Sale: Michael Jackson's Unwashed Underpants

2008-09-10T03:00:00.002-04:00

There are reports that say a New Jersey businessman will be auctioning off a pair of Micheal Jackson's unwashed tighty-whities on ebay later today.

Hang on ... Need to throw up in a bucket ... Give me a sec ... Hold on ... Still honking ... I think that's pizza ... Oh man, some came out of my nose ... Anyone have an Altoid? ... Okay, I'm back. Sorry about that.

The undies in question were reportedly part of the evidence confiscated in 2003 by Santa Monica DA Tom Sneddon as part of their child molestation case against the former King of Pop and current King of Crazy. A pair of size-28 Calvin Klein underoos can be yours if you meet the reserve price of $1 million dollars.

For a million clams you can become the creepiest person on Earth. A bargain at twice the price.

Who do they think would be bidding on the underpants? A newly opened Hard Rock Cafe that wants to have a pedophile wing? "Here are Michael Jackson's dirty whites and Gary Glitter's leather chaps. Our specials today are the Herb Grilled Chicken Breast and the Hickory Smoked Bar-B-Que Combo. I can take your order whenever you're ready." And where has this disgusting piece of "memorabilia" been for the last five years? In some sort of hyperbolic decompression chamber? A safety deposit box? Never mind, I don't want to know.

Just thinking about that has made me queazy again. Where's my bucket?

Noel & Liam Attacked Onstage in Toronto

2008-09-08T20:51:00.002-04:00

While Oasis was ripping through "Morning Glory" last night in Toronto, a nut ran onto the stage and attacked the boys from Manchester.

The lunatic shoved Noel from behind, knocking the guitarist into the monitors. The he went after Liam as security grabbed him. Once the younger Gallagher figures out what is going on, he tries to grab the assailant and beat the piss out of him.

Amateur footage caught the incident. The attack comes at about the 1:30 mark.

After a few minutes, Oasis came back out and finished the show. According the band's website, Noel was treated afterwards for a "suspected fractured rib and ligament damage."

I wish Liam would have gotten ahold of the bastard. I met Liam at an Oasis show in New York at the Roseland Ballroom. He's an intimidating presence. While I'm a little taller than he is, Liam would kick my head in. Mancunians are tough dudes.

Best wishes to Noel.

Run For Your Life at Kruger Park

2008-09-08T16:21:00.003-04:00

Hippopotamus's are often called the "deadliest animals in Africa." Supposedly killing more men a year than lions, leopards or crocs. Hippos are mean buggers. Especially, so I'm told, if they are "wiggling their ears and blowing bubbles."

There also is the story of an Austrian circus dwarf taking a bad bounce off a trampoline and a hippo ate the little guy whole. Caught the dwarf like a fly-ball in centerfield. The story isn't true.

This picture is mesmerizing. What led to this scene? Did the game warden stop tourists from chucking pumpkins into the bathing pool? Was the hippo protecting a child? Whatever happened, I'm pretty sure that man was in the wrong.

The Great Moon Hoax of 1835

2008-09-08T13:20:00.003-04:00

An Odd History Lesson...

No, we're not talking about the idiocy of NASA faking the 1969 Moon landing on a soundstage. ("That rock has a 'C' on it! The flag is waving when it's not supposed to wave!" Moses smell the roses you're a dope.) This was an actual hoax.

In 1835, a serialized article appeared in The New York Sun boasting an incredible discovery. The periodical claimed they were reprinting findings from the Edinburgh Journal of Science. There was no such thing as the Edinburgh Journal of Science. The Sun's headline read:

GREAT ASTRONOMICAL DISCOVERIES

LATELY MADE

BY SIR JOHN HERSCHEL, L.L.D. F.R.S.

At the Cape of Good Hope

Herschel was a real astronomer and quite well known at the time. The article claimed that through a new, extremely powerful telescope, the British scientist had discovered ... LIFE ON THE MOON!

In detail that may have made H.G. Wells envious, the screed spoke about lunar topography, huge forests, vast seas and oceans and "lilac-hued quartz pyramids."

That was just the beginning.

Through Herschel's alleged uber-telescope, bustling life was seen knocking about on the Moon. There were round, amphibious creatures rolling around sandy beaches. Herds of bison. Gangs of "blue unicorns" grazing on the rolling hills. A tribe of fire-spewing bipedal, tailless beavers that lived in huts. And the most amazing discovery; winged, bat-like humans that lived in a golden-roofed temple. The creatures were dubbed "Vespertilio-homo." The Man-Bat. This was about a hundred years before The Dark Knight graced the pages of DC Comics. Not bad.

Along with the articles were detailed lithographs. Supposedly depicting this awe-inspiring Moon culture. The pictures showed the great architecture, luscious landscapes, walking beavers, and flying man-bats.

Some editors at rival papers panicked, said they too had access the original non-existent articles from the non-existent Edinburgh Journal of Science and just reran the Sun's stories.

Some reports say the Moon Hoax boosted the Sun's readership. Thousands believed the tale. And not just the common man. Almost twenty years later a reporter wrote that students and staff at Yale bought it hook, line and moon boots. It read:

Yale College was alive with staunch supporters. The literati--students and professors, doctors in divinity and law--and all the rest of the reading community, looked daily for the arrival of the New York mail with unexampled avidity and implicit faith. Have you seen the accounts of Sir John Herschel's wonderful discoveries? Have you read the Sun? Have you heard the news of the man in the Moon? These were the questions that met you every where. It was the absorbing topic of the day. Nobody expressed or entertained a doubt as to the truth of the story.

Though it was eventually discredited, the Sun never publicly admitted the hoax.

Sir John Herschel initially was amused by the story, saying he wished he could see such an unusual world, but he became increasingly annoyed when he was asked about it over and over again for years after.

The Great Moon Hoax of 1835 makes the reports of water molecules on Mars seem pretty lame. Where's the blue unicorns and flying man-bats? Boring.

Google Earth's View of Area 51

2008-09-07T15:29:00.011-04:00

While following the Game Cast of the Seahawks game on the computer like a pathetic addict, I was doing some random reading. News, sports, monkeys, etc. I was curious what Google Earth showed of Area 51. The legendary "secret" military base in Nevada. While I don't know what is going on at the base nor do I put much stock in the crazy rumors that float about, it is funny that the United States Government didn't even confirm the base existed until 2003.

So what does Google Earth show of the super-secret Area 51?

Click on the images for a better look.

At first glance, just what you'd expect. The outlines of buildings and large hangars. Airstrips. Parked aircraft.

Then you zoom in a little more. There's some jets, F-15's maybe. Hang on. What the ... What is that next to them?

Of course. It's an alien barbecue. It appears that some rascals at Google Earth have a sharp sense of humor and added a little hello to the curious.

There you have it. Stories of storing alien corpses from the Roswell crash, reverse engineering spacecrafts and the development of weather control and time travel devices are horse-apples. The little guys are just having a cookout. Who doesn't enjoy a lovely cookout?

YouTube Gems Volume #4

2008-09-06T23:04:00.003-04:00

Some great clips I have seen lately.

The Dead Parrot sketch is still just as funny as it ever was. "Beautiful plumage innit?"

A rare interview with Slowhand demonstrating different sounds from a Gibson SG. That 'stache is the mutt's nuts.

The Smothers Brothers performing "Boil That Cabbage Down." I can hear my Dad laughing watching this. The "pumas in the crevices" just kills him.

That monkey is riding a motorcycle.

Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson perform "Pancho and Lefty."

Be sound...

Reason #7,733 I Love My Nephews

2008-09-05T13:59:00.007-04:00

A couple times a week my nephews (Jackson, 5 and Luke, 2 1/2 years old) ask to talk with me on the webcam. Part of the process is I tell them stories. Then they repeat the story and tell it back to me. This weeks story was E.T. landing his spaceship in the backyard, then going to swimming lessons with the boys and living in the playroom forever. Two boys and an alien: pals. The story was a big hit. Universal Pictures is trying to option the tale. We're negotiating.

Jackson told me about the first week of kindergarten and Luke told me how "motorcycles need a drink." He means when you put gas in the tank, that's a drink.

Anyhoo, last weekend the boys were staying and their Grandfather's Whatcom County cabin. A big deal. The younger Luke is still trying to perfect potty training. His Dad thought that "peeing in the woods" would be a fun adventure. It was. Luke was chugging juice boxes just go outside to pick "what tree I'm gonna pee on."

Cut to four days later. I'm on the phone with my brother talking about the upcoming NFL season. Mid sentence, my brother stops. "Huh ... You're not going to believe what your nephew is doing," he said. I get excited when that sentence is said. "Luke is standing in the middle of the back yard, pants at his ankles, peeing. Swaying back and forth." The outdoor urination excursions had made an impression. My saint of a sister-in-law gave my brother a half smirk and a shake of the head. Which is code for "my sons are half well behaved, half rascals and we know which half you are responsible for." Bless her heart.

"Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable."
Plato

Gohn Makane Rooning Fer Prisideent

2008-09-05T03:50:00.008-04:00

While watching John McCain's convention speech online (is he still going?) I saw something strange. The camera caught an enthusiastic supporter in the crowd. I did a quick "screen grab" to make sure I wasn't seeing a comedy mirage. The chap was proudly holding a homemade sign highlighting one of McCain's attributes. He's a maverick.

The problem? Magic Markers don't have spell-check. "Mavrick." Well, he did sound it out.

Damn. So close.

Naughty Elephant Sent to the Gallows

2008-09-03T16:32:00.007-04:00

This is a new feature we'll try. The Odd History Lesson.

They will all be true. No tellin' tales out of school. I swear. We'll see how they go.

In 1916, an elephant named Mary was hanged for her bad behavior. The only time we know of this kind of madness occurring.

Mary was a performer for the Sparks World Famous Shows Circus. The circus hired an inexperienced assistant elephant trainer named Red Eldridge. Red had no idea what he was doing. Before a performance in Tennessee, Red was taking Mary to a local watering hole for some refreshment, Mary stopped to nibble on a watermelon rind she spotted on the ground. Red stuck a hook behind the ear of the pachyderm. Mary reacted to the mistreatment, grabbing Red with her trunk, tossing him into a concession stand and stepping on the trainer's head. Of course killing the man.

Onlookers turned into a villagers-in-Frankenstein-like mob. Shouts of "kill the elephant" rang out. A local blacksmith fired a dozen shots or so from a rifle. To little effect.

Two days later, circus owner Charlie Sparks bowed to local pressure and decided to kill Mary in public. A crowd of 2,500 - that included many children - gathered to watch the execution. A chain was put around Mary's neck. The chain was connected to a railcar-mounted industrial crane. The first attempt to hang Mary resulted in a broken chain. Mary crashed to Earth, breaking her hips. Children screamed and ran away in terror.

The second attempt at a hanging killed the poor elephant. She was buried beside the Tennessee railroad tracks.

There has been other elephant executions, but not by hanging from the gallows. Topsy the elephant killed three men in 1903 and was electrocuted. In fact, Thomas Edison filmed the event. You can see the footage here. It may be disturbing to some. Fair warning.

So we don't end on a total bummer, here's some happy elephant footage. An Asian elephant painting a self-portrait. The footage is real.

If Not For You

2008-09-02T22:36:00.003-04:00

During the soundcheck for The Concert for Bangladesh, Bob Dylan and George Harrison performed a casual version of "If Not For You." One of my favorite songs. A beautiful and simple tune. Four chords and some poetry. I play this song on my guitar often.

Sing it lads.

If not for you,
Babe, I couldn't find the door,
Couldn't even see the floor,
I'd be sad and blue,
If not for you.

If not for you,
Babe, I'd lay awake all night,
Wait for the mornin' light
To shine in through,
But it would not be new,
If not for you.

If not for you
My sky would fall,
Rain would gather too.
Without your love I'd be nowhere at all,
I'd be lost if not for you,
And you know it's true.

If not for you
My sky would fall,
Rain would gather too.
Without your love I'd be nowhere at all,
Oh! What would I do
If not for you.

If not for you,
Winter would have no spring,
Couldn't hear the robin sing,
I just wouldn't have a clue,
Anyway it wouldn't ring true,
If not for you.

Nazis + Bears = Best Buddies

2008-09-02T16:30:00.009-04:00

Belgium. January, 1945 -- During the Siege of Bastogne, Nazi forces were huddled around a fire, trying to keep warm in the bitter cold. Temperatures in the Belgian forest that winter reached dangerous temperatures. Frostbite was common on both sides of the battle.

As the Axis troops were rubbing their exposed hands together, sharing cigarettes, a large bear waddled out of the woods. The Nazis panicked. They scrambled to grab automatic weapons to defend themselves against the bear. Right before the German troops opened fire, the bear stood up on his hind legs and flashed a Nazi salute. Some reports indicate the bear made a noise that could have been interpreted as a mumbled version of "Heil Hitler."

The Nazis lowered their weapons. Slowly, they approached the beast. The bear lowered his massive head to be patted and stroked. The Germans knew they had a bear sympathizer.

During the next few days, the bear -- who had come to be known as "Adalbert" -- assisted in securing the border of the Nazi camp. Adalbert was then named "Minister of Security" for the Bastogne encampment by General Heinrich Freiherr von Lüttwitz. The bear patroled the ground for another seven days. On the eighth day, the Nazi's and the bear found the time to pose for one picture. The only proof of Adalbert that exists.

Soon after, Allied troops broke through the Nazi ranks. Adalbert was shot in the head by Private Allan Konigsberg of Brooklyn New York. American soldiers enjoyed bear burgers for the next week and half.

"Nazis. I hate these guys."
Indiana Jones

(Photo via YBNBY)

Bidding Adieu to the Two Party System

2008-08-31T22:01:00.005-04:00

“Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.”
Benjamin Franklin

Every Presidential election is important in this country. However, some are more important than others. Similar to how every Beatles record is important, but Rubber Soul matters more than Beatles For Sale.

This fall we will be involved in a vastly significant election. One that will help shape our future.

That is one of the main reasons I have made some changes in my personal political ideology.

Recently, I have told America’s two major political parties to get lost and “don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.”

I am now a registered Independent.

To read the rest of the column and my take on the broken two party system, please click here.

Cheers,

JW

Idiots vs. Molotov Cocktail

2008-08-30T17:08:00.003-04:00

I always scoff when the warning comes up "DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!" Really? I shouldn't jump from a moving vehicle onto another moving vehicle because it's dangerous? Huh. Thanks.

The kids that try to reenact stunts from Jackass deserve to get hurt. You are a cement-head. You don't deserve the right to sue anybody. Nobody sued The Three Stooges if someone hit their buddy in the head with a hammer.

Then I see a video like this one and remember just how stupid people can be.

Molotov Cocktail Baseball - Watch more free videos

Maybe the legal warnings aren't that dumb...

Mythbusters Paint Mona Lisa In Less Than a Second

2008-08-30T16:52:00.002-04:00

I love Mythbusters. Consistently great television. As many of the lady readers know, us men are not that bright. We need to know if combining Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola will make our stomachs explode. (It’s doesn’t. Phew.) Or, can you use the inflatable emergency slide as a makeshift parachute if an airplane is going down. (Believe it or not, you can.) These are things we need to know.

Jaime and Adam show that a huge machine loaded with paintballs can paint a masterpiece in 80 milliseconds.

Science.

Star Wars Meets Benny Hill

2008-08-29T19:33:00.001-04:00

That is just wacky.

Out of Respect For John Lennon

2008-08-29T17:57:00.014-04:00

Last evening I went for a long walk. Into Central Park at 106th and moved down the West Side. Weather has begun to cool off, making late-summer nights damn near perfect. Still plenty of locals enjoying evenings in the Park. A few picnics. A few kids playing catch with parents. A few dogs marking territory.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, I exited the Park at 72nd Street. Right next to The Dakota. The Dakota is a luxury apartment building. One of my favorite pieces of architecture in the city. Legend says that when the place was going up in the early 1880's, someone from The New York Times stated "They might as well have built it in the Dakota Territory." The West Side did not reach up to 72nd at that time. It was still immune to the urban sprawl that would eventually take root. The nickname stuck.

The Dakota is a work of art. High gables, terracotta spandrels, balconies with balustrades, ornate detail all around. It's the kind of building that isn't made any more. Detailed craftsmanship and unique design has given way to beige stucco and the creepy cookie cutter look of American suburbia. Notable residents of The Dakota have included Judy Garland, Lauren Bacall, Leonard Bernstein, John Madden, Gilda Radner, Jason Robards, Boris Karloff and especially ... John Lennon.

John and Yoko lived at The Dakota starting in 1973. The Beatles were no more, all the lads were making solo records and trying to live with the impossible expectations that came with being a Beatle. John had become more controversial, refusing to be a typical pop star. He spoke out at what he felt were injustices. He made records that weren't going to be popular. John had overcome a very serious addiction to heroin and seemed to be turning the corner in his life. He spoke about hope and that maybe the 80's would be better than the scandal ridden and negative 1970's.

A psychopathic, mentally unstable man named Mark David Chapman ended all that. On December 8th, 1980, Chapman stood outside The Dakota and asked John to sign his copy of Double Fantasy. John obliged.

John and Yoko went to a recording studio. Chapman sat outside the Dakota and waited. Just before 11:00 pm, John came back home to tuck in his son, Sean. As John exited the limo, Chapman took a military stance and fired five shots from his .38 revolver. Four of the bullets struck Lennon and he fell to the sidewalk. The Dakota doorman rushed over to help, screaming at Chapman "Do you know what you've done?" Chapman smiled and calmly said "Yes, I just shot John Lennon." He then sat down on the ground and began to read The Catcher in the Rye, waiting for police.

Lennon was taken from us. A symbol of hope and creativity. A musical genius who, yes, was a very flawed man, but he gave us more than just 3 minute pop songs. I was 5 when John was killed. But that certainly doesn't matter.

My point of all this is, when I pass The Dakota, especially the 72nd Street entrance where the murder took place, I remove my cap. Why? Out of respect.

I take off my hat and think of that great Scouser that died for no reason. Out of respect.

John's last interview, just hours before he was killed.

"Everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground."
John Lennon

Goodnight and good luck.

Barack Obama Product of Gay Marriage

2008-08-29T12:51:00.000-04:00

Well, according to ABC's Terry Moran he is.

Damn. So close.

Obama Doles Out Some Sugar

2008-08-29T12:50:00.001-04:00

After Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden gave his convention speech, Barack Obama strode onto the stage and planted a wet smooch on Biden's Missus. Right on the mouth.

Pucker up Buttercup.

The unedited footage can be seen here.

Thar Blows a White Whale (Shark)

2008-08-29T00:41:00.004-04:00

Captain Ahab and the crew of the Pequod would be drooling at this point.

An ultra rare -- the only one we know of -- albino whale shark has been photographed off the coast of Darwin, an island in the Galapagos.

Naturalist Antonio Moreano spotted the beast as he took a group of tourists for a boat tour. Not knowing what they had seen, the boat tried to follow the pale whale shark for a while.

After she disappeared below the water, Moreano dove down about 50 feet to snap a couple pictures before Moby Dick vanished into the depths.

Quite amazing.

Muppets May Return to Television

2008-08-28T18:44:00.004-04:00

Says a report:

Cult kids classic The Muppet Show is set to return to TV screens after 27 years.

The popular puppet programme - featuring Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy - is being made into a Disney film, due to be written and directed by actor Jason Segel.

And it is rumoured that the movie will pave the way for a new television series of The Muppet Show - the first since 1981.

A source tells British newspaper The Sun, "Jason is a massive Muppets fan and is seen as the man to finally bring The Muppet Show back to TV.

"It will obviously have all its old fans but Jason's comedy is hugely popular with youngsters so it will open it up to a whole new audience."

The source adds: "If the movie script is popular, Jason will write the TV series too."

I hope that is true. My nephews need to experience the magic of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

Two Headed Boy Passes Away

2008-08-28T18:19:00.006-04:00

I am not making any jokes here. This is a sad story.

A two headed boy named Kiron was born a couple days ago in Bangladesh. Sadly, the young man passed away after developing a fever and breathing difficulties.

Kiron weighed 12 lbs 1 oz and was born by Cesarean section. Though he was able to eat through both mouths, he only had one stomach.

The Telegraph reports:

The boy had been placed under police protection when more than 150,000 people gathered outside the clinic in the town of Keshobpur.

After Kiron had died, local press reported that thousands spontaneously donated money to the grieving family.

Sleep warm, young man.

Ghostbusters Is King

2008-08-28T16:37:00.001-04:00

Entertainment Weekly recently had an online poll for the Funniest Films of the Past 25 Years.

The winner? Ghostbusters. Damn right Ghostbusters.

I also agree with Vacation at number two. Beverly Hills Cop at three seems high. Good to see Spinal Tap and the immortal Big Lebowski as respected as they should be. I have no idea how Clerks made the final 25. A terrible, terrible movie.

Here's the Top 10

1. Ghostbusters
2. National Lampoon's Vacation
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. This Is Spinal Tap
5. Office Space
6. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
7. There's Something About Mary
8. The Big Lebowski
9. A Fish Called Wanda
10. Dazed & Confused

Don't cross the streams...

Olympic Hide & Seek

2008-08-28T14:49:00.003-04:00

Yes, the Olympics are over. It's sad.

There always is debate about what sports belong in the Games. How golf is not in and synchronized swimming, rhythmic gymnastics and trampoline are sanctioned events in beyond me. If we're going to have synchronized swimming, we might as well have the Broadway shows travel and do a routine as well. "The gold medal to Thoroughly Modern Millie!" My brother Drew raises a good point about the shooting events being ridiculous. They are. Archery? Fine. Pistols? Come on...

Maybe Monty Python was right and we should have Hide & Seek in the Olympics. This is my favorite Python sketch.

Come on London, add Hide & Seek for 2012.

No Bolo Ties. Not Now. Not Ever.

2008-08-28T12:59:00.003-04:00

As the Balloonfest rolls on...

There are two cardinal rules for political conventions. Rules that cannot be broken. Under any circumstances. The Dems broke two of them the other night.

1. Don't be boring and absolutely stink out the joint - What in the name of Nikola Telsa was Virginia Governor Mark Warner prattling on about? Car phones and cell phones and the ground floor of car phones and cell phones ... Is he done yet? Bloody hell. We haven't seen a speechwriting staff update their resumes this quickly since Howard Dean imploded in 2004.

B. Don't wear a bolo tie - That's right. Montana Governor Brain Schweitzer wore a bolo tie. Now I imagine this was calculated decision among his staff to appear "folksy." Bad move. I don't know what Schweitzer was talking about. All I kept hearing was Wilford Brimley talk about having the "diabeetus."

We can't take anyone seriously that wears a bolo tie. Governor, you might as well have been wearing MC Hammer pants.

Goodnight and good luck.

Memory Lane: G.I. Joe File Cards

2008-08-27T17:57:00.021-04:00

This one is mostly for my brothers...

The other day I made a Storm Shadow reference on the video of Roller Skate Ninjas. Storm Shadow was/is a ninja character in the G.I. Joe universe. When looking for a link to add, I stumbled across a website that had scans of all the original "file cards."

As a boy, much of my life revolved around those G.I. Joe action figures. They were as important as my soccer team The Jedi. That's true. We really were The Jedi. My folks figured out that the ultimate bribe for a 7-year-old was a $1.99 action figure. On the packaging of the figures was a "file card." The card was on the back of the package. It had some of the vital statistics and bio information on the character. Real names (sometimes), hometowns, hobbies, weapon proficiency, etc. The cards were carefully cut out and filed in an old, metal recipe box my Mum gave me.

I studied those cards. Read them over and over and over. It felt like inside information. I was most fascinated when the card said the soldiers real name or other information was "classified." That amazed me. Classified. The mystery made the character much more cool. It's why every kid loved Snake Eyes.

Also on the boxes were "Flag Points." Those were also cut out and stored in the metal recipe box. They were essentially proofs of purchase, but they could accumulate and then be sent in for a special "mail order only" figure. Those were plastic gold. I'd count the Flag Points over and over until I had the right amount. Then I would do a couple extra chores and my Mum would send the accompanying check to cover postage and handling. Then 4 to 6 weeks crept by like time in the hole at Folsom. I was like Ralphie in A Christmas Story waiting for his Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring. After what seemed like a year, a special Sergeant Slaughter would appear in the mailbox.

I spent a few minutes looking at those old file cards. I was amazed how much I remembered from them. Well, not that amazed, but I did remember an awful lot. Especially from my favorites. Other than Snake Eyes, I tended to like the Joe's that were of ethnic backgrounds. Don't really know why.

Some of my favorites:

Clutch - He drove the jeep. Didn't shave and combed his hair with motor oil.

Road Block - A machine gunner. He had a huge .50 caliber Browning.

Quick Kick - Karate expert. 'Nuff said.

Torpedo - The SEAL. Had scuba gear and everything. He came with me to the tub.

Tracker - His real name is Charlie Iron-Knife. An American Indian tracker and shaman.

Recondo - Two words: Jungle Warfare. The jungle fascinated me. Still does.

Gung Ho - Probably my favorite. He was a Marine. My Dad was in the Marine Corps.

Most people romanticize their childhood. My Father does. So do I. How do you think the idea for Toy Story came into being? There was something magical about those pieces of cardboard that held the data of my toys. They were my own secret files in my bedroom on 306th Place.

"Johnny Wright's Starring Vehicle"

2008-08-27T14:24:00.004-04:00

This isn't my post. I'm quoting Echowood from YesButNoButYes.

Here's another one for the YesButNoButYes vault. It occurred to me that movie studio logos at the beginning of films have become almost as long as the films themselves. (Some are actually more entertaining too.) Once you get through the Coke commercials, the 20 minutes of previews, the theater logos, and the turn off your cell phone plea, you're still subjected to the movie studio logos before you get to the good stuff. A few months ago, I put something together to parody the new wave of 30 minute long movie studio logos. If you make it to the end, you'll catch a view of Johnny Wright in all his glory.

I'm not sure I accomplished what I was going after, but Johnny rocks the hell out of those sunglasses.

Here is the video in question. Notice the Fu Manchu stache.

Boo yeah...

The All Midget Western

2008-08-27T14:18:00.003-04:00

Reposted from YesButNoButYes...

This is not an attempt to one-up Echowood's amazing Weng Weng post. I know damn well when I'm beat. I can't top that video. This is only an effort for solidarity. Midget solidarity.

In 1938, a western was made. An all midget western. Absolutely true. The masterpiece was called The Terror of Tiny Town. Again, absolutely true.

The plot was simple. A valiant miniature cowboy comes to the aid of a ranch-owning damsel in distress. It's a pretty small ranch, but still. Local three foot thugs are terrorizing the young lady. Midget in the white hat versus midgets in the black hats. It was like The Searchers except on very tiny horses. And with helium-aided dialogue.

The cast all rode Shetland ponies and were shown roping calfs and walking under the saloons swinging doors. Many of the performers went on to star in The Wizard of Oz the following year.

Do we have a clip Raoul? Roll the clip!

Fantastic. You can actually watch the film in pieces on YouTube. Part one starts here.

Kung Fu Midget!

2008-08-26T15:43:00.008-04:00

My boy Echowood put up a video on YesButNoButYes that has blown my mind. It is a rap tribute to Weng Weng. A 2-foot-9 Filipino action film star. It has to be seen to be believed. Click here to see it.

I don't how I haven't known about this little guy. Weng Weng was a phenomenon in the Philippines. He starred in the film For Your Height Only and others. Weng was a crack pistol shot, had a bladed hat to chuck at bad guys and was quite adept of punching crooks in the testicles. You know, they were at a very convenient level.

Here's the trailer for a Weng Weng double feature.

Deal with that punks! Hassan chop!

That little jet-pack is just adorable.

Weng sang (sorry about that rhyme) a karaoke version of "My Way" with the First Lady of the Philippines Imelda Marcos during a Filipino Film Industry ceremony. A bootleg version sold 200,000 copies.

I love midgets and dwarves. They are like God's little punch lines.

Church of England Upset With Vampire Slayers

2008-08-26T14:01:00.016-04:00

A new report out of Britain suggests that up to 50,000 woman a year have deserted local Church of England congregations. Instead, "young women are becoming attracted to the pagan religion Wicca, where females play a central role, which has grown in popularity after being featured positively in films, TV shows and books."

Some of the blame for the ladies turning to Wicca is being placed on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Apparently the show was so good, woman who normally would be in the pews of the local cathedrals are heading out in droves to battle vampires and mix eye of newt, wolfsbaine, snake blood and the wing of a bat in pewter cauldrons. They're flying on brooms and wearing pointy hats. Heading to Diagon Alley to purchase a magic wand with dragon heartstrings and unicorn hair in the core.

I'm waiting for the reports that say that an alarming number of American men are deserting their jobs to fight terrorists armed only with a 9mm handgun, cell phone and satellite coverage due to the popularity of 24. That Jack Bauer is a persuasive dude.

A little vampire related bonus trivia:

Tales of vampirism ran rampant in Eastern Europe in the 17th and 18th century. So much so that Vampire Slaying Kits were sold to would-be vampire hunters.

The kits could include a wooden hammer and a number of crucifix shaped stakes to be driven into the vampires chest. A prayer book, a cross and a dagger. Sometimes a small pistol. Along with bottles with Pamant (holy soil), Agheazma (holy water), Mir (anointing oil), Tamaie (holy incense) and Usturoi (garlic).

Some experts claim the kits were carried by frightened travelers or even kept on hand at local parishes. I imagine a family traveling by horse drawn carriage that stashes the Vampire Slaying Kit under the seat just in case Nosferatu appears out of the darkness to steal the virginal teenager and bring her back to Bran Castle.

A handful of the anti-vampire kits have been sold at auctions for $12,000 to $21,000.

Dead Sea Scrolls To Be Put Online

2008-08-26T12:59:00.003-04:00

The story goes like this; In 1947 a Bedouin goat herder named Mohammed Ahmed el-Hamed (who was nicknamed "The Wolf." Seriously.) was tending his gang of unruly goats. A rebellious goat wandered off towards a cave. The Wolf tossed a couple rocks in the direction of the wayward goat to get his attention when there was the sound of breaking pottery. Upon investigation, the shepherd found several ancient jars containing scrolls wrapped in linen. Further excavation found jars and scrolls in 11 nearby caves. In total, about 1,000 pieces of ancient writ were recovered.

These documents became known as The Dead Sea Scrolls.

The New York Times is reporting today that the Scrolls are going to made available in their entirety for the first time.

From the Times:

The 2,000-year-old scrolls, found in the late 1940s in caves near the Dead Sea east of Jerusalem, contain the earliest known copies of every book of the Hebrew Bible (missing only the Book of Esther), as well as apocryphal texts and descriptions of rituals of a Jewish sect at the time of Jesus. The texts, most of them on parchment but some on papyrus, date from the third century BC to the first century AD.

The entire collection was photographed only once before – in the 1950s using infrared and those photographs are stored in a climate-controlled room since they show things already lost from some of the scrolls. The old infrared pictures will also be scanned in the new digital effort.

Of course the Scrolls are important from a religious standpoint. But just as important is the historical and archeological context. The Scrolls allow the dead to speak. Now anyone, not just a handful of scholars, will have the opportunity to read and study them.

Selah.

The Rock Instrumental

2008-08-25T20:34:00.007-04:00

It's a dying art. The great instrumental rock song. There isn't that many that are noteworthy, but a few are genuine classics in the vast history of rock and roll.

Where the rubbish ones lie are the overblown, self-congratulatory 17 minute solos of the 70's. That garbage is unbearable. I don't know how one can listen to it.

The great instrumentals are usually short and to the point. I'm popping into the J-Dub Rock and Roll Archives to bring you some of the best.

Rumble by Link Wray and Rebel Rouser by Duane Eddy are good places to start. You'll recognize them both from movie soundtracks. Great rockabilly grooves.

Also among the older greats:

Green Onions by Booker T & the MG's. Amazing.

There are quite a few worthy entries from the surf music of the mid to late 60's. Especially Wipeout by the Surfaris, Hawaii Five-O by the Ventures and Miserlou by Dick Dale and the Del Tones.

Two of the greatest guitar players contribute to two other cuts. Though it is John Bonham's stage, Jimmy Page's dirty blues riff adds to the magic that is Moby Dick. The late Stevie Ray Vaughan took Hendrix's Little Wing, removed the lyrics and made it all his own.

Not too many can match Stevie's mastery of the electric guitar.

I think Tequila by The Champs is worthy of a mention. As is Flying by The Beatles. I love Sparks by The Who. Perhaps the only modern song that should get a mention is Oasis' F#@%*!' In the Bushes. The lads from Manchester usually blast that song as they arrive onto the stage at the live shows.

If you think I am forgetting Eruption by Van Halen, I'm not. It stinks.

Now, the greatest rock instrumentals. That is a two way tie. My favorites are Sleepwalk by Santo and Johnny and Black Mountain Side by Led Zeppelin.

That's Black Mountain Side performed by a very young Jimmy Page. One of my guitars, Suzy Lee, is a replica of the original Danelectro 59 that Jimmy is playing.

Santo and Johnny play Sleepwalk in 1959.

That steel lap guitar seems to weep. It's beautiful. I can play a little of Sleepwalk with a slide on Suzy Lee. A little.

Finally another version of Sleepwalk by Brian Setzer. He eventually recored this version and won a Grammy for Best Instrumental Performance. Whatever your feelings are about big band, rockabilly or the Stray Cats, one thing that can't be debated is Brian Setzer can play. He has one of the most distinct tones in music history. And can make that vintage Gretsch sing.

Goodnight and good luck.

Mysterious Archer Robs Olympic Gold, Gives To Poor

2008-08-25T08:00:00.003-04:00

Beijing -- A swashbuckling Olympic archery competitor has reportedly stolen the gold medals from nearly every medal ceremony only to give the precious treasure to the local poor.

It appears the archer made his way to Beijing on a phony Sherwood Forest passport.

According to reports:

An epic four-way fencing match broke out during the Women's Saber medal ceremony, with the archer taking on the three American women in a clash of blades that spilled out onto the balcony and across the Beijing rooftops. Germany's Ole Bischoff, winner in the Men's 81kg judo event, threw the archer through a nearby table and down a flight of stairs before his feet were nailed to the ground by arrows. And the Chinese women's gymnastics team was almost impossible for the archer to catch.

This archer has become folk hero. Read the rest of the tale here.

Nun Beauty Pageant!

2008-08-25T07:49:00.004-04:00

Reposted from YesButNoButYes...

Italian priest Antonio Rungi announced Sunday that he is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns. Apparently Tony is doing this to fight the stereotype that nuns are all "old and dour."

Makes perfect sense.

Said Tony the theologian:

Nuns are a bit excluded, they are a bit marginalized in ecclesiastical life. This will be an occasion to make their contribution more visible.

Tony says not to worry, there isn't going to be nuns parading around in two-piece bathing suits. That would be crazy. The sisters will be able to choose if they will pose with or without the traditional vail and/or habit covering their head. Saucy.

When it comes to the talent portion of the pageant, I think Tony needs to make it clear that the nuns will need to perform on their own. If a rebellious nun who has left the abbey to become a governess is allowed to use a family of Austrian children who can really sing to back her up, that is not fair. Those kids are ringers.

(UPDATE: It appears that Tony has cancelled the nun beauty pageant. Apparently the higher-ups did not see the effort to show the nun's inner beauty as appropriate. Shocking...)

Film Cliches

2008-08-24T20:44:00.004-04:00

Cliched storytelling devices make me mental. It's lazy and shameful. A recent film that puts a pair of glasses on a pretty girl then says she is not pretty drew my attention. I won't see the film. Just make fun of it. It's a lot easier that way.

A little column is up at YesButNoButYes that is titled The Clichés of Cinema Keep On Truckin'.

I just can't handle the defusing of a bomb with one second left on the digital readout.

Okay,

JW

Beijing Olympics Come To the Finish Line

2008-08-24T16:21:00.008-04:00

When the Olympics come to a close, I feel how I did when I was 9-years-old on Christmas night. Man, a whole year until Christmas again. (Okay, I still feel that way about Christmas.) The Olympics end and I think, man, four more years until it's the Olympics again.

Four years until the World gathers around televisions to watch the action in London.

I am relived that the Games went off without a major incident. I had a bad feeling going in that there may be some sort of attack. While China does have a lot of work do to when it comes to human rights and quality of life for their 1.3 billion residents, you have to admit they put on a helluva show.

These Games were quite something. From the magic of Michael Phelps to the US basketball team reclaiming gold. Track and field was wild. Gymnastics was entertaining. If not a bit scandalous.

What we saw in Beijing was the continued Olympic spirit. All walks of life coming together to show the true meaning of competition. Last night I watched the marathon. That storied race of endurance and courage. At about the 18 mile mark, when the field had began to spread out, the leaders vying for coveted medals, I saw something noteworthy. Two of the leaders from Ethiopia and Eritrea, two countries that have had border disputes and even a war, sharing a water bottle. It's possible those men's families hate each other. But there was a mutual respect for one another as they competed. That's the Olympics to me.

Four more years. Dammit, when is the World Cup?

Roller Skate Ninjas!

2008-08-24T00:10:00.002-04:00

Do I even need to say anything more?

That just happened!

Maybe the coolest piece of celluloid I have ever seen. Those ninjas were roller skating.

Suck on that Storm Shadow!

Now Available At Your Local PetSmart ... The Pugling!

2008-08-23T16:21:00.007-04:00

Before you scoff and say the Pugling is not a real animal, I ask you to remember a bit of history.

In 1798 Scottish explorer Captain John Hunter sent a platypus pelt back to England after seeing one in Australia. Scientists were sure it was a hoax. They were sure of it. Noted botanist and zoologist George Shaw thought someone had sewed a duck and beaver together. Shaw took scissors and carefully clipped the beasts fur down, looking for tell-tale stitches.

The platypus held up to the scrutiny. It's real. So I'm holding out hope that the Pugling is real as well. I'm going to get one and name him Chester Copperpot. And walk him Central Park. That is if I can figure out how to leash the little guy.

Delicious Asian Cuisine

2008-08-23T15:45:00.006-04:00

In addition to Mongolian beef and General Tso's chicken, Asia offers more exotic dining treats. Seven of the most head-scratching can be read about here.

Culinary delights such as fried spiders (pictured above), bee larvae and snake blood are examined. As is, seriously, monkey brains. Didn't only happen in Pankot Palace. Monkey brains are eaten in parts of Asia, especially Southern China. One must be careful chomping down on the monkey brain casserole. If not prepared properly, you run the risk of contracting spongiform encephalopathy, a deadly disease of the brain. You don't want that. Let's just agree to leave these poor monkeys alone and stop eating their brains. They have organs to grind and poo to chuck.

Ah ... the mysteries of the Orient. Who wants cashew chicken when you can dine on fried rat? Well, I do. I'll stick with the Kung Pao.

Costa Rican SWAT Team Takes Care of Bidness

2008-08-23T14:52:00.001-04:00

In Costa Rica, the local SWAT team -- who for some reason are wearing balaclavas -- need to bust into a garage. They tried to bash it open with the battering ram. Didn't work.

So, they chained the door to an SUV in an effort to tear the door off the hinges.

Okay, gun it!

Well, that worked. Medic!