Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Baby, It's Freaking Hot As Hades Outside


Man, it has been hot this past summer in New York City. Beyond hot. The kind of hot where Bugs Bunny would be crawling through the desert, hallucinate and see a lush tropical oasis in the distance. Bugs would sprint toward the mirage and jump into the non-existent pool of water only to snap out of his heat-induced delusion and realize he’s drinking sand.

Scientists – or witch doctors and astrologists depending on your viewpoint – are telling us that the rise in temperature and all-around freaky weather is a result of global warming. That is why the icebergs are melting like the ocean is hot chocolate. Muskoxen are bartering with Eskimos for air conditioners. Polar bears are having difficulty finding areas to hunt. Sharks have begun sweating in the Atlantic Ocean. Even the cute little penguins are dancing less than they do on television. I’m not a scientist, but I heard that is true.

My point it has been bloody hot this summer.

There are people like myself that run hot. There isn't anything I can do about it. I'm a human heat pump. "Johnny! Dude, were you doing step-aerobics in the sauna?!? You're dripping." "Uh, no, I brushed my teeth 20 minutes ago."

I dread the summer. One uncomfortable overheated day after another.

The picture above was taken this morning during a meeting at Comedy Central. I had just walked 9 blocks from the train and was nearing a stroke. My boy Adam put that pic on his Twitter with the caption "When it gets above 50 degrees, Johnny sweats like R Kelly at a Girl Scout camp." That's not bad. Cheeky monkey.

Okay, I need a Gatorade...

58 comments:

Leo Carvalho said...

I hear you pal. I'm a sweat-fountain too.

In the summertime I can melt in rivers of sweat even if I'm in a room with air-conditioner.

We're on Winter now, and temperatures are running around 13ºC~28ºC (55.4ºF~82.4ºF), I walk from home to work (2.5 miles), and even when it's cold--not as cold as you have up there--I don't use a jacket a coat or anything else, because I'd rather feel a little uncomfortable with the chilling temperatures than arriving at work like I had been swimming.

And since we can drink booze on the streets here, sometimes I buy me a chilling cold beer to soothe my way back home. The funny part is when I pass by people on the street, they're all covered in several layers of clothing, scarfs and all, and I have my shirt's sleeves folded to the elbow and a cold beer in my hand. Their faces are hilarious.

I feel like I'm an iceberg in a hot tube.

Melanie said...

Here is a recipe that may help you..

--One WEAK stick
--Soak WEAK stick in cold water
--Place soaked WEAK stick in freezer
--Let freeze over-night
--Before leaving your dwelling, remove WEAK stick from the said freezer
--Keep WEAK stick with you at all times
--WARNING..whatever you do DO NOT shake WEAK stick prior to freezing
--WEAK sticks can also protect you from really bad things like super cakes, etc..

If you need further assistance, please let me know I am an EXPERT at making WEAK sticks...out

P.S. glad you are no longer MIA...chatted to Rauchmania the other day...the Westovers said to tell ya hello

Nathan Lindsay said...

haraaAAAAAAAAAY for Bugs Bunny! and For Johnny Wright!

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