Saturday, October 27, 2007

What I Wonder About The Star Wars Universe

There are many questions that crop up when thinking about the vast Star Wars universe. How does Jabba the Hutt go to the bathroom, for example. Does he have to give a half hours notice to the staff and slither slowly to the water closet? How do we overlook that Princess Leia gave her BROTHER Luke a full-on frenchified kiss in Empire Strikes Back? That was not right. Why did the Stormtroopers wear cumbersome suits of armor at all times? Didn’t this limit their mobility in a fight? And the armor didn’t seem to protect them at all from laser blasts. Wherever they were hit, they went down anyway. Seems a wee bit counter productive to me. Like the British soldiers in the Revolutionary War wearing bright red jackets so the rag-tag American militias could shoot them easier. “You believe this Willy? Them Brits are wearing red and marching in a straight line. Fish in a barrel! Let’s shoot ‘em!”

Those and many more questions have plagued curious minds over the years. But this is what I really wonder; what are the sexual practices among all the different species in the neighboring galaxies?

We’ll start here; is there interspecies dating and mating? Is it forbidden? Or just frowned upon? Maybe it’s perfectly acceptable. For example, let’s say a male Wookie with a sharp sense of humor and who is good at sports meets a cute female Mon Calamari at the Mos Eisley Cantina. The Wookie – let’s call him Henry, I’ve changed his name to protect the innocent – he’s at the bar telling jokes and the Mon Calamari broad starts making googly eyes at him. (I know, a Mon Calamari eyes already look googly, that’s not the point.) What could happen? Would society shun them for hooking up? Would it shock the galaxy? Would their parents disown them for not being with their own kind?

In the animal kingdom, the creatures don’t cross-breed for the most part. Dogs and cats of different breeds will bone, but a dog won’t hump a cat. I’m not a scientist, but I believe this is true. Monkeys don’t mate with chickens. Frogs don’t get it on with salamanders. But the aliens on Kamino or Coruscant are intelligent life forms. Higher intelligence. They can reason right or wrong. Maybe it’s no big deal for a Bith (look it up) and a Dug to have a committed relationship.

What about aliens and humans? On earth, there is interracial dating all the time. It’s accepted in most educated societies. A Jew can marry a Kenyan. No big deal. Mazal tov, kids, good luck to ya. Only a bigot thinks that is odd. So, could Greedo have a human girlfriend? Maybe a blond from Tattoine has a thing for a Rodian. Would that technically be considered a fetish? I don’t know what the official ruling would be there? Is it fetishy (that’s a new word) for a human to be attracted to a bounty hunter with walrus tusks? Actually, that probably would be a fetish. Maybe a girl has a Cosmopolitan with her girlfriends and says, “I’m really into walrus men. I don’t care of you all think it’s gross. I like those ivory tusks, they’re foxy.”

Is there an underground band of mad scientists cross-breeding different alien species? Like the weirdoes that concocted a liger? (Was that really necessary?) Maybe there are these eccentric genius’s that talk like Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff who are breeding a half Wookie, half Rancor super warrior. Man, that thing would be unstoppable.

The sexual habits of Star Wars aliens. My mind sure wanders on the subway. I need to remember to not forget my book anymore.

I believe these questions and more justify three more rounds of Star Wars films. If George Lucas doesn’t write them, that is.

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