Friday, October 5, 2007

The Worst Bands of All Time

Last night The Office had it’s season premiere. Which means exactly one third of the shows I think are funny on television was on. The rest of that pie being Reno 911 and Family Guy. That’s pretty much it. Anyhoo, after The Office ended, a promo came on for the season premiere of E.R. I can now give a startling revelation; E.R. is still on the air. Shocking isn’t it?

Everyone has their own musical taste. Not everyone has good taste. In fact, America, for the most part, has atrocious taste in tunes. Case in point; American Idol is still moving products. I rest my case your honor.

(SIDENOTE – I have always hated American Idol. It’s ridiculous to me. Just a karaoke contest with corporate sponsors. I was hanging out with a girl a while back who insisted I give it one more chance. I relented because I’m a pushover and she was cute. That night’s episode had one of those jokers doing Johnny Cash’s “I Walk the Line.” I have a bad feeling about this. The hack began singing, “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine…” He slowed the tempo in half and tried to sing it as a Barry Manilow ballad. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t through half a song.

That is similar to when a different girl tried to get me to reconsider on Sex and the City. You know, that show on HBO about three prostitutes and their mom. I hate that show, some of the worst, most corny, forced writing in the history of the telly. One bad pun after another. The episode she tried to get me to watch had the hookers going to Atlantic City. The older one with the weird voice looked at a busty restaurant hostess talking to her boyfriend or something and said, “who picked this breastaurant.” DONE! That’s it for me.

Jeez, I’m rambling way off topic with that sidenote. Sorry.)

Okay the worst bands of all time. I am not including performers that don’t play instruments and therefore are not a band but a group. This eliminates the boy bands (not bands) and TLC and Destiny’s Child. They don’t qualify. Also not included are the annoying solo artists. So, no Richard Marx, Celine Dion or Michael Bolton. And no hip hop, or Insane Clown Posse would be number one with a bullet.

The Dishonorable Mentions

Jethro Tull (they had a flute), Emerson, Lake and Palmer, The Gin Blossoms, Asia, Chicago, Garbage, KISS (I’m serious), Nelson, Extreme and Marilyn Manson.

The Losers

10. Jefferson Starship – They were not bad in the 60’s as Jefferson Airplane, but “We Built This City” is one of the worst songs ever made. You know it’s bad when out of touch politicians use it as a campaign theme.

9. Poison – What the hell happened here? How did people fall for this train wreck with an extra order of cheese? Nice makeup job boys.

8. The Cranberries – Why was that girl yodeling?

7. Milli Vanilli – One of the great con jobs in pop culture history. I don’t know they got away with it at first, but I blame it on the rain.

6. Limp Bizkit – These guys were selling our arenas. If I ever do a list for Worst Lyrics Of All Time, “I did it all for the nookie, so you can take that cookie” is a candidate for number one. “Hey, cookie and nookie rhyme!”

5. The Black Eyed Peas – When a reporter asked her about what she says to those that think she can’t sing, Fergie once said something to the effect of, “gifts are from God, so when people say I can’t sing, they’re insulting God.” Fergie, I’m only insulting your band. And you peed yourself once onstage. That’s gross.

4. Air Supply – A little vomit rises when I hear their songs in the elevator at Macy’s. You know it’s bad when it seems corny for adult contemporary radio.

3. Motley Crue – Truly awful.

2. The B-52’s – If this list was Most Annoying Songs of All-Time, “Shiny Happy People” wouldn’t have any challengers. That’s the Muhammad Ali of annoying songs. That guy yelling “bring your jukebox money!” sends a shiver down my spine.

1. Creed – In a runaway win. What a load of crap. Trying to convince the red states they are a “Christian band.” Heaven help those that listened to that rubbish.

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