Monday, April 28, 2008

Don't Touch My Nuts

There are many important, interesting and noteworthy news stories that are being reported today. The NBA Playoffs, the NFL Draft, a tragic train crash in China, wildfires in California, scientists analyzing a giant squid -- actually, that's a really good one -- and Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton continuing to duke it out, one cheap shot at a time, to see who will face John McCain this November in what is destined to become "The Great Lesser Of Who Cares Election of 2008." We'll see who will have a better "I Promise Not To Screw Up the Country Any Worse" platform. My point is, there's a lot going on.

Well, unfortunately, the news story that grabbed my attention was not any those. How can I resist a headline like this; Florida Lawmakers Consider Bill Banning Ornamental Testicles. Yeah, I can't steer clear of that one.

So here's what has happened. For some reason, there is a redneck trend of hanging replica ball-sacks from the trailer hitch of oversized pickup trucks.


Idiots have been hanging what looks like balls made of flesh-like rubber, stainless steel, brass and other materials. They come in different shapes and colors. Even a set that is red, white and blue. Nothing says patriotism like a stars and stripes coin purse hanging from your back bumper.

Apparently, it has become such an epidemic that a Florida Congressmen is attempting to pass legislation to ban the balls. The bill has passed the senate and is going to the house. "We need to stop these balls!!!"

If you have the truck nuts, you're a moron. We don't need a bill passed to tell us that. Here is what I find troubling. I am sure there are serious problems in Florida right now. Budgetary concerns, health care, education, ticket prices at Epcot, Everglade conservation and more. But the crusade of Senator Carey Baker is the banning of metal scrotums. I wonder if an earlier Baker bill was the proposed abolition of Big Johnson t-shirts. A bill isn't just scribbled down on a cocktail napkin and voted on at the next senate luncheon. There has to be some man hours put into it, and therefore taxpayer dollars at work. There may be a better use of time down there.

I first became aware of the truck nuts a couple summers ago while in New Mexico. My cousin Kerry and I were driving down the freeway and he said "Is that what I think it is?" Yep, balls on a truck. Flappin' in the breeze. We were blown away. Somehow, this has caught on. The hillbilly idiots that are already overcompensating for something -- wink, wink -- are now taking matters a step further. ("Dr. Freud, you have a call. Dr. Freud, a call on line three.") I cannot imagine the thought process that must take place to make one search for and purchase a set of testes for your vehicle.

What's more unbelievable is that we have reached a point in American society where "redneck" has become a term of endearment. How this happened, I'll never know. People have become proud to be uneducated, bigoted, lazy, stupid and to have bad taste in everything. If you're wondering if I am worried about offending anyone with the previous sentence, the answer is no. Rednecks don't read. Some because of illiteracy, most by choice. The only chance of them actually knowing about this rant is if there was a Comedy Central special called Larry the Cable Guy Attempts To Read The Essays of Johnny Wright. I don't see it happening.

So good luck Senator Baker. I hope you are successful in banning testicles hanging from the bumpers of jackasses trucks. I would also like to see a bill banning the use of stickers showing Calvin taking a wee on any kind of truck logo.

Let's put a stop to that today. Together we can.


Dave Riddle said...

Dang man, I'm really trying not to take this post too personal, all of the anti-redneck rhetoric, balls bashing, etc. Have you forgotten your redneck roots? You lived in Mississippi for two years for heavens sake, you are 6% redneck by default. My memory is a little fuzzy but I swear I remember a rebel flag hanging from the wall of your ZL pad in Jackson. Don't hate Johnny, don't hate.

Anonymous said...

Excuse me?

A rebel flag is hardly comparable to a dumb set of nuts, sir!

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