Tuesday, May 6, 2008

People Watching

This past weekend on the subway, I saw a seemingly normal looking gentleman that was involved in a rather curious activity. He had a travel sized tube of Purell Hand Sanitizer. (Which is one of my favorite inventions of the last 10 years. Right up there with Smoothie Mix Skittles.) The cat squirted a silver dollar sized amount of the gel into his hand, rubbed his hands together and ... still can't get over this ... proceeded to rub it all over his face. Then repeated.

So, this brings up an important question. Was this man:

A.) On the cusp of a brilliant new face cleansing technique.
B.) Involved in a clever dare.
C.) Named Glen.
D.) Completely nuts.

I'm leaning towards "D." But it may be "C." He looked like a Glen.

I enjoy people watching. It makes me laugh. In addition to Manhattan, I especially enjoy it at the airport and at Disneyland. Seriously, they let anybody into The Magic Kingdom.

There are more than a few characters that make me laugh when I see them. Here are a few of them.

Tank Top McGee – It is usually an overweight gentleman rocking that sleeveless number. Most of the time the tank top is purple for some reason and is accompanied by a pair of denim shorts. Occasionally the tank is tucked in. He also tends to have a sticker on his truck of Calvin whizzing on something.

Inappropriate Midriff Lady – Come on sweetheart, you can’t park that in there. Why are you showing your stomach? It’s doing more harm than good. Small animals are fleeing. Children are being frightened.

Mr./Miss Angry For No Reason – You’ve seen this person, they’re yelling at the guy at the McDonald’s counter because the 99-cent bacon cheeseburger they ordered only has two strips of bacon. They’re screaming at the customer service agent in the airport because the Super Saver ticket they bought for 59 bucks doesn’t come with an aisle seat in the bulkhead. I’ve seen people get angry with the sales clerk making minimum wage for the pricing of an item in a store. The clerk is not within driving distance of anyone who decides the price of a pair of jeans you idiot.

The Neck Tattoo Rascal – When you get a neck tattoo, you are essentially cashing in your standing in society. You can’t get a good job unless you’re a musician or professional athlete but at least you’re keeping it real. It’s a steep price to pay for 200 bones.

(The other day I saw a woman with her cell phone tucked into her rather prominent cleavage. It was quite something. I believe that this is an anomaly, but I’m going to keep my eyes out for Big Boobies Cell Phone Storage Girl. I’ll keep you posted.)

Fratty McFratterson – This guy cracks me up. The meat head frat boy with the bleached tips, puka shell necklace, khaki cargo shorts, all white K-Swiss kicks, double hoop earrings and a t-shirt that reads “You Got Tickets?” and that has two arrows pointing to his creatine induced biceps. Often has a “tribal” arm band tattoo. I got news for you, Chief, there is nothing tribal about your tat. It wasn’t designed by the village elders of a Masai tribe in Africa. It was designed by a high school dropout that goes by the handle “Fruit Loops.” Fratty says the word “bro” a lot. Am I the only one that thinks that double earrings on a guy is really effeminate?

Chester Molester – When you see him, you’re pretty sure he is a pedophile. Almost always has a creepy moustache, wears pegged jeans with all white high tops he bought at Target, a dark windbreaker and is more often than not sporting a fanny pack. Every time I see him, I just know that he has a van with no windows. This guy is also known as Creepy Creeperson. Keep an eye out for the To Catch A Predator crew when you see him.

(Why do some guys need the fanny pack? I carry keys, wallet, cell phone and a pen. Occasionally Chap Stick or Tums depending on a particular malady. What are those cats carrying around that can’t be stored in normal pockets?)

The Indoor Sunglass’s Schmuck – What, is it a little too bright inside Macy’s for you? There are two people that wear sunglasses indoors; blind people and jerk offs.

That person is similar too…

The Bluetooth Jackass – Yes, the Bluetooth is a great tool when you’re driving in the car, but do you really have to wear it the whole day? How many conference calls are you going to be on in Wal-Mart? One of my old basketball coaches (who is a real idiot) wore his Bluetooth while he was coaching a game last year. Are you getting calls during timeouts, coach? Nobody thinks you’re cool because you have purchased a 59 dollar wireless cell phone earpiece.

And finally, one of personal favorites.

Utility Belt Man – I love this guy. He’s a poor man’s Batman. His belt features two cell phones and a pager, a Leatherman Tool, a compass, a Mag-Lite flashlight in a nylon holster and 733 keys hanging from a carabiner. How many keys does one person need? Is he a dungeon master? The Utility Belt Man is always ready for action. If the comic book store has a blackout, that cat is prepared.

People crack me up.

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