Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Psychics? I Foresee a Scam

Reposted from YesButNoButYes

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While perusing the World Wide Interweb this morning to see if Amy Winehouse is dead yet and looking for Monkey News, I came across a ridiculous story.

MSNBC reports that Cameron Diaz has visited Mrs. Grace at West Hollywood's Psychic Tea Leaf Readings for guidance. Reportedly, Mrs. Grace is the preferred medium for Drew Barrymore as well. Of course she is.

This scoop inspired me to pen a good old fashioned J-Dub-style rant.

Ready? Let's begin.

If you believe in psychics, you are an idiot.


They don't exist. At all. Not one. There has never been any kind of proof that they are real.

The great Harry Houdini took great pride in debunking the so-called mediums that would dupe the naïve. He attended séances and busted the tricksters cold. That was almost a hundred years ago. Yet the desperate and dumb are still calling 1-800 numbers to ask for guidance.

Here is why there is no such thing as psychics. Or paranormal mediums. Or fortune tellers. Or those that have telekinetic abilities. First of all, it has never been proved by anyone. If it was real, if I could see the future, I could go on The Late Show and show off for an hour. Predicting the next three days weather, what's going to happen in the news, and how long it will be before Britney Spears leaks a sex tape. (Put the line at 18 months and I'll take the "under.") This is the problem; you're asking me to believe that EVERY PSYCHIC IN THE WORLD IS AN HONEST AND MORAL PERSON. If there were psychics, there would be no gambling in casinos, no betting on football, no lottery, no
Power Ball, no stock market, no horse racing, nothing that there is the possibility of manipulating the outcome like Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II. It's a trick folks. I've heard people say things such as this; "there's no way she could have known some of the things she knew." You know what? I saw David Copperfield turn a 747 into an elephant with a showgirl on its back. Doesn't make it real.

We see that douchey Criss Angel guy fly over golf courses and don't think it's real. Why would you believe that Madam Leona can really tell you if your relationship is soluble?

In addition, no conjurer ever gives the mark bad news. "Sorry, your dog is going to get hit by a car, you'll lose your home in a blazing inferno, and you will die of cancer in 7 months. That will be 75 bucks please." Doesn't happen.

These hoaxsters that prey on the sad and lonely mainly perform what is called a "cold reading." That is a barrage of question until you narrow down something that the rube will identify with. "I'm getting two letters, A and S..." "I have an uncle Scott! He had a dog named Angus!" Wow, you are like Gandalf the Grey!

Exploiting the grief stricken is shameful. The real trick is how you can sleep at night.

I was watching The Daily Show a couple months ago. During the commercial break, an ad came on for a service that sent "psychic answers text messages sent right to your cell phone!" Wow. I've wondered who are the yokels that spend a dollar for the cell phone background of the dancing frog or the farting panda or whatever those are, but that one made me a little more disappointed in our society. Here's what I picture this operation looking like; In a small office in suburban Detroit is a room of part-time college students sitting in cubicles with five cell phones in front of them. They rotate the phones and "answer" each question from the dupes across the country. Not one employee has any psychic tendencies, nor claims to. The boss just tells them, "text back something positive and reassuring." How much you wanna bet I'm right?

You want to know what your horoscope is? I'll tell you. It's a random, generalized statement that, with a little imagination, can be applied to just about anyone.

That will be 25 bucks please.

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